Online dating can feel like a really vulnerable experience. You create a profile that (in theory) reflects your personality, publish it and put it out there for the dating world to judge. Therefore, because of the inherent nakedness of the process, the impetus to bend the truth, or exaggerate just a bit in order to impress someone you’ve met online, is always there.
Even if you didn’t lie about the “big things” like your age or your height, it’s easy to intentionally or unintentionally make yourself seem different than you actually are. For example, you may have told your prospective date that you “also love Kayaking everywhere” (you’ve been Kayaking once. In Walmart.) or that you are really into French New Wave cinema (you’ve seen half of Le Divorce on an airplane, once. That counts, right?) It’s natural to want to impress the people you date; however, when the truth comes out, you end up looking like a jackass. Here’s a few ways to regain someone’s trust after your cover has been blown.
- Come Clean and apologize –
So, your cover is blown and it’s now ridiculously clear that you’re not the masterful kayak pro that you lead your date to believe you are. Your best course of action right now is to own up to your mistake and come clean. Yes, this might be a bit embarrassing at first, but it shows a lot more guts than trying to keep up a charade. Coming clean can be as simple as, “To be honest, I don’t really have much Kayaking experience. I was so impressed by how cool and outdoorsy you were, that I may have made it seem like I know more than I do. I’m really sorry I mislead you. As you can see, I don’t really know what I’m doing. Maybe you could show me some tips?” Although their trust in you may be temporarily suspended, showing that you have the guts to own up to your mistakes and apologize to them is the first step to earning it back.
- Be genuine –
Now that your date has given you another chance, it’s time to earn back their trust. If you want to have any kind of future with this person, you need to be completely genuine from this point forward. In other words, be yourself and show genuine interest in who they are as a person. Ask them lots of questions about their life and interests. If you’re lucky, you’ll find some things that you legitimately have in common and you can go from there. This is also a good point to share some true things about yourself. So, maybe you’re not the Kayak fanatic that you made yourself out to be, but you have other cool interests like you brew your own beer and make terrariums in your spare time – let the other person know. Even if you don’t have these interests in common, sharing your (potentially nerdy) hobbies is infinitely cooler than pretending to be someone you’re not.
- Make eye-contact –
Our eyes aren’t just “the window to our soul” – they’re also a key component to building trust. So, make appropriate eye contact. When we’re nervous our tendency is to look away or not make direct eye-contact. However, this can come across as shifty and make the other person question your motives. On the flipside, no one likes to be stared down. If you are wowed by your date’s attractiveness (and can’t take your eyes off of them), make sure that you don’t make them feel like a piece of meat. Make frequent but brief eye-contact. For example, make more eye contact with them when you are listening and less when you are speaking.
- Show trust to get trust –
Want someone to trust you? Show that you trust them. You can do this by revealing more of yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Although there’s no need to recite every gory detail of your life story, this is the perfect time to share some of your nerdier hobbies (see above) or tell that hilarious yet embarrassing anecdote about that time you went to Cabo and lost your wallet. By keeping it light and showing that you trust the other person enough to open up, you’re way more likely to receive the same level of trust in return.
- Don’t lie again. Ever. –
Don’t keep secrets, don’t tell lies and don’t exaggerate. Although it’s natural not to tell someone every single detail about yourself on the first date, if there’s something you really feel that they should know (for example, that you’ve been married before or that you have a child) make sure you’re honest with them. Failure to do so, could completely destroy any trust that you’ve manage to build back. Even small white lies have the potential to come back and bite you later. In other words, keep things honest and check yourself before you wreck yourself.
