“There is no greater silence than a text message that hasn’t been returned for 78 days.” – Anyone Who’s Ever Been Ghosted

Despite recent mass-spread awareness about ghosting – the act of breaking up with someone by simply disappearing into thin air, like a ghost –  it’s still happening and it’s still a total bummer. In fact, it seems like you can’t go online lately without discovering another disturbing story about an epic ghosting gone wrong.

Just ask Sylvia, the woman who was ghosted by this man. A guy we’ll call “John” recently wrote into Ask a Manager in search of an answer to his sticky workplace question. His dilemma: a decade ago he ghosted his ex-girlfriend and now she’s going to be his boss. What proceeded was a detailed account of one of the worst ghostings ever.

As John recounts:

“More than a decade ago, when I was still young, I was in a relationship with a woman, Sylvia, in a country where we both lived. Sylvia wanted to settle down but I was not ready to commit so young. We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in another country and did not tell her about it.”

His reasoning for his actions? “I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama. Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends.”

Uh, newsflash John – people do tend to get “emotional” when you disappear from your shared home and life like a thief in the night. Especially after you’ve been together for three years.

Ask a Manager’s Alison Green agrees. She responded, saying,

“That’s some serious emotional destruction that you inflicted there. I’m not surprised that she contacted your family and friends; she was probably worried about whether you were alive or not! (Really, think about it. If you came home one day and your long-time partner was gone and had left no note, would you just shrug and go on with your life, or would you try to figure out if she were okay or not? Obviously I don’t know the details and maybe it moved into boundary-crossing inappropriateness, but you can’t expect to disappear on a long-term partner with no note or anything and not have them try to find out if you’re okay.”

Exactly.

Green explains that there’s basically no way to salvage this situation.

“Normally I’m a fan of people putting aside personal emotions in order to conduct themselves professionally, but I don’t even know what that would look like for Sylvia in this situation,” she writes. “She’s most likely going to be shocked and horrified when she finds out that you work at her school, and that she’s supposed to manage you.”

While hopefully, none of us will ever end up on either side of a similar situation, the story of “John” and Sylvia still provides a good example of why we should avoid ghosting the people we date.

It delays closure.

Although I firmly believe that other people can’t give you closure and instead you have to create your own closure, ghosting makes this harder on both sides of the fence. Overt rejection can sting, but it’s so much easier to move on when you have a definitive answer. I’d much rather be rejected than waste time wondering whether the person I was dating was kidnapped by a cult.

The same goes for the ghoster. Sure, being honest about your feelings toward someone can feel really uncomfortable in the moment, but it’s so much better than pulling a disappearing act. By ending things in a mature and kind matter, you both can move on. Do you want to spend your life wondering when your ghosting will come back to haunt you or do you want a clean break?

It burns bridges.

As the story above demonstrates, ghosting equals bad karma. I can’t help but think how differently John’s situation would have turned out had he just broken up with Sylvia like a decent human being. Sure, working together might have been awkward, but they probably could have worked through it. The same can’t be said about his current situation.

It’s a garbage human thing to do.

No one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, but when you ghost someone it sends the message that you don’t think they’re worthy of having an explanation. Not cool. Instead, be kind and tell the truth. Don’t be a garbage human. Your future dates will thank you.