We all have a “one who got away” – or so we’re lead to believe. Popular culture has a tendency to romanticize the concept to the point where there’s entire songs, movies and TV series dedicated to exploring the notion that we’ve already met “The One” – they just got away (hello, all nine seasons of How I Met Your Mother.) But, the truth is about “the one that got away” is that it’s one of the most dangerous dating myths we can buy into.

I should know. I spent most of my twenties chasing “the ones that got away” – guys that I had feelings for at one point, but for whatever reason (usually big, bad, reasons – I’ll get to that later) things didn’t work out. The pattern would usually look something like this: I’d date someone, things wouldn’t be working out like I’d hoped and/or we’d break up. Bored, lonely and frustrated with my current relationship status (or lack thereof) my attention would turn to this bank of “ones that got away” and think “what if?”

I’d tell myself things like, “if I was still dating ____ or if things had worked out with ____, everything would be different.” I bought into the concept that if I kept the flame alive, maybe, just maybe things might work out after all. I was both stuck in the past and in an imaginary future that would never pan out. It seemed romantic at the time, but really I was a vicious cycle that kept me from being fully present in my dating life.

Here’s a few reasons why we all need to let go of the myth of “the one that got away.”

1. “If the stars had aligned properly and x, y, & z hadn’t happened, I’m sure we’d still be together!”

Right. I’m sure if they hadn’t broken up with you via a singing telegram, stolen your grandmother’s tractor and driven across the country, things would be different. When it comes to “the one that got away,” it’s so easy to idealize someone’s behavior and see the relationship through rose colored glasses. But, those things did happen. Your grandma is still mourning the loss of that tractor and time doesn’t change the fact that your OTGA (one that got away) broke up with you in a really heartless way. Idealizing people or relationships just isn’t healthy.

2. They got away for a reason (and thank goodness!)

At the end of the day, the Universe knows what’s best for us. While it’s so easy to think “what if?” there’s always a reason why someone isn’t in your life anymore – whether you’re willing to acknowledge it or not. For example, there’s been times where I’ve thought back to people I’ve rejected in past and wondered if maybe I should have tried harder to make things work with them. But, when I look at the situation objectively I can always find a reason why it didn’t work. Whether it’s something glaringly obvious (tractor theft) or something much more subtle (I always felt like our communication styles didn’t quite mesh), there’s always a reason. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be. Letting go of the OTGA leaves space in your heart for someone better. They’re out there.

3. They didn’t “get away” – it just didn’t work out.

The fact that you’re not with this person may seem like a giant cosmic error – after all, things were so good when you were together. However, when you buy into the myth of the OTGA, you ignore the simple truth: that sometimes things just don’t work out between two people no matter how great your connection seems at the time. What happened between you and this other person wasn’t a glitch in destiny, it was a painful breakup that probably hurt more than others. Owning up to this reality is the first step to finally healing and moving on.

4. One of the biggest regrets I have from my twenties is the time I wasted wishing, hoping and pining for people that – let’s be honest – didn’t want to be with me. Carrying around these stale feelings held me back from enjoying my life and falling for someone new.

5. The right person will do anything in their power to stay with you.

They won’t “get away” because they don’t want to be away – they want to be with you. It’s that simple.