If you’ve ever attempted to date anyone, you’ve most likely been rejected.
Think back to the first time someone broke your heart. For me, it was the summer after high school. I was dating a guy who has since become known as “Dave the Roller-blader.” Dave was your typical happy go-lucky beach bum with an affinity for tanning, taking photos of himself with his shirt off and long rollerblading sessions along the beach. We had nothing in common, and yet I fell head over roller-blades for him. When he broke up with me because he was moving to Australia to surf full time, my heart was broken. I stayed in my bedroom for a whole weekend listening to Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road” while bawling my eyes out. To say I didn’t handle this initial rejection well would be the understatement of the century. Then again, I was 18 years old, experiencing heartbreak for the first time. Can you really blame me?
I read a quote recently that went something like this: “Everyone you date, you’ll eventually break up with or end up marrying.” Although a lot of couples do stay together forever without a legally binding agreement, it’s still a sobering thought.
Rejection sucks and sometimes it really, really hurts. However, as much as we try and deny it, it’s an inevitable by-product of dating. How are we supposed to find the right person if we never reject or get rejected by the ones that aren’t right for us?
After 15+ years of being rejected and rejecting others, I’ve become somewhat of a rejection expert. Although it’s tempting to dwell on the sting of rejection as soon as it’s felt, I’ve learned over the years that if you handle it right and frame it as an opportunity for personal growth, it can actually make you a better dater. Don’t believe me? Here’s a few reasons why rejection can actually work to your advantage.
1) Being rejected means you took a chance and that’s a good thing – A wise sage called Keanu Reeves once told a ramshackle group of baseball players “One of the most important parts of life is showing up.” You can’t expect to find love if you don’t take risks and put yourself out there. I read another quote recently that said that “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Being rejected means you took a step towards going after what you want – one of many steps that will eventually get you to where you want to be. In other words, you showed up for your own life and for that, my friend, you deserve a massive high-five.
2) Being rejected provides an opportunity to look inward – And no, I don’t mean sitting on the couch, eating Haagen Daaz while you lament “What’s wrong with me! Why doesn’t anyone want me?! Wahhhhh!” while a Julia Robert’s movie plays in the background. I’m talking about what you do after you’ve had your pity party and allowed yourself to feel all the feelings (hey, we’ve all been there.) If you let it, rejection can help you grow emotionally by giving you a better idea of who you are, what you want and what kinds of relationships work for you. I.e. do you have emotional baggage that’s holding you back? Are you going after the right kinds of people? Assess what’s working and what’s not.
Not too long ago, I actually had a man I dated (and rejected) request a dating exit interview of sorts. He wanted to know what he had done wrong and could improve on for future women. However, the truth was he hadn’t done anything. “I think you’re a really awesome guy. You shouldn’t change anything about yourself because someone else is going to really dig it” I told him. He was an awesome dude, I just knew that he wasn’t the right one for me. Which brings me to my next point….
3) Rejection makes you more empathetic to others – Sometimes there’s no tangible reason why you get rejected – except that the other person didn’t feel a connection with you. There have been many times I have met guys who I thought were truly fantastic, however when we kissed there just weren’t any sparks. I imagine there have been many guys who have felt the same way about me. Chemistry is a curious thing that acts on a subconscious level. Therefore, you can’t take it personally if someone doesn’t connect with you in that way. Most likely, they probably don’t even understand why they feel the way they do. In other words, it’s not about you, it’s about them. They just weren’t “feeling it” and you know what? That’s OK. Someone else will and hopefully, it will be mutual.
4) Being rejected means that someone saved you from a relationship that wasn’t going to be right for you in the first place – Do you want to be with someone who isn’t into you 100%? Of course not – no one does. When I think back to all the guys that I dated who were unequivocally wrong for me, I often wish that they had broken up with me sooner because then I could have moved on to dating people that were a much better fit (which I ended up doing anyways.) When someone rejects you, they’re ultimately saying, “I’m not going to waste your time by pursuing something that I know won’t make either of us happy in the long run.” By giving you an out from a potentially negative situation, they’re actually doing you a favor.
We all deserve unconditional love, acceptance and happiness; however, to get there we have to walk a road that is rife with rejection. While we’re on our journey, rejection acts as the road signs that keep pushing us in the direction that we need to be go. So, the end message is this: rejection is a good thing. If I had never been rejected, I’d probably be living in Australia, married to a guy who routinely posts shirtless selfies of himself on Facebook – and that is a scary thought.
