There’s a saying: “the best time to date is when you don’t need to be dating.” When we date out of need, instead of want, we run the risk of dating for the wrong reasons. Having a happy and fulfilling dating life requires that you are in a good place mentally and emotionally before you bring other people into your life. Dating shouldn’t be your life, but rather a fun bonus to a life that is already pretty awesome on it’s own.

“Needing to date” suggests, well, neediness. You’re dating to fill a void in your life or because external influences are telling you that if you’re single, dating is what you should be doing. Neither motivations provide a good foundation for finding a healthy and satisfying relationship.

So how do you tell the difference between “needing to date” and “wanting to date?” Here are a few things to keep in mind.

How to tell if you “need” to date…

1) You think that it’s what you should be doing.

If you’re single, dating is what you’re supposed to do, right? After all, aren’t your friends, family and coworkers always suggesting you “put yourself out there?” Well, guess what – that’s all malarkey. There is no rule that says that just because you’re single you have to be actively dating. There’s no joy in doing something because you think you “should.” If you’re going to be successful at something you need to want to do that thing. Instead of putting a half assed effort into dating (making yourself miserable in the process), wait until it’s something you really want to do. Then, give it all you’ve got.

2) You can’t stand the idea of being alone.

I get it. Being alone can suck sometimes – especially if it’s not something you enjoy to begin with. However, you can’t go through life expecting other people to fulfill all of your needs. You need to become comfortable with spending time with yourself before you try and introduce someone else into the equation. If you don’t, you’re going to be super needy as a partner and/or go from date to date looking for someone to fill that space in your life that you haven’t figured out how to fill yourself. Learning to be alone and enjoy your own company isn’t always easy but when you get there, it’s highly rewarding. If you’re dating because you’re paralyzed with fear of spending time alone, it’s high time you try dating someone new: yourself.

3) You’ve just broken up with someone and need to get over them fast.

There’s another saying: “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” While you shouldn’t discount the value of a post-break up “palette cleanser” fling, throwing yourself into dating when you’re still reeling from a breakup and haven’t dealt with any of your emotions is a recipe for disaster. If you haven’t had a chance to fully process what happened in your last relationship, you’re going to bring all of the complicated, messy feelings stemming from your break-up into future dating interactions. There’s no way this can end well. So, don’t be afraid to take some time to heal before you get back on the saddle.

4) Dating allows you to live a certain lifestyle that you can’t otherwise.

Free dinners. Nights out. A date for your sister’s wedding. While these things are often bi-products of dating, going into the dating with the hopes of other people fulfilling your lifestyle wishes is not only a bad reason to be dating, it’s also pretty selfish and lame. If you want to check out the new tasting menu at Nobu, make a reservation and go. Stop waiting for other people to make your life awesome when you can do it on your own.

How to tell if you want to date…

1) You’ve dealt with the fall-out from your previous relationship and have had a chance to spend time by yourself.

You’ve talked your friends ears off about your last break-up. You’ve cried. You’ve done some soul-searching. You’ve climbed some mountains/gone to yoga/journalled/taken up crossfit and fallen back in love with your life. You’re now ready to go out and meet new people. It’s totally cool to want to date…you’re ready!

2) Life is already pretty great.

Things might not be 100% perfect (when are they ever?) but you’ve got good friends, family and things that you enjoy doing. Adding someone else into the mix would only make things better.

3) You’re ready to date.

You’re in a good place emotionally & mentally and you’re ready to meet new people. Simple as that.