We all have that one person that we’ve struggled to get over. I spent a huge chunk of my twenties trying to get over this one guy that I had a 3-month long relationship with. Although I had dated lots of other people in between, for some reason, this one person clung to me like a bad smell that I couldn’t shed. I spent a lot of time listening to songs that reminded me of him, wondering “what if” and  look for pieces of him in other people I met. Looking back, I can now see how my inability to get over this person held me back from meeting and truly falling for someone new (read: someone who actually wanted to be with me – unlike this dude.)

So, if you’re currently in the midst of trying to get over someone you met online, here’s a few things to keep in mind that will help with the process.

1. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

I think one of the things that contributed to me not getting over the person I mentioned above, was that I tried to rush through the process. Even though I was deeply hurt and disappointed, I tried to play it off like everything was cool (when things were so clearly not cool.) If you’re in a similar position, the best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel all the feelings you’re having.

I’m not suggesting you allow your life to grind to a halt while you spend the next three months parked on your sofa, watching Netflix, but do give yourself time to mourn the relationship. Instead of telling yourself, “it’s cool, I’m over it,” give yourself permission to be honest with yourself and feel what you need to feel – even if it’s uncomfortable (“I’m really hurt and disappointed that this didn’t work out.”) Only by acknowledging your true feelings can you eventually move past them.

2. Get closure if you can.

Another mistake I’ve made in the past is that I’ve allowed break-ups to remain open ended. When there’s no closure in the form of “we’ve officially broken up and this is why,” it’s really, really hard to get over someone. Without firm closure, you can spend days, months, years, wondering “what if?” When you’ve still got one foot in the past, you’ll never fully be able to live in the present and move forward with anyone else.

So, if you’re able to get closure with the person you dated – do it. Have a conversation with them. As the questions you need answered and confirm  that things are over. Do whatever you need to do to get the closure you need and move on.

3. Understand that sometimes you’ll need to create your own closure.

Sometimes you can’t get the closure you want. Not everyone you date is going to be able to provide you with the finality that’s required for you to move on (for example, the ex who just won’t answer your texts and/or has literally gone AWOL.) In cases such as these, you need to create your own closure.

Write a letter to yourself that outlines all of the reasons that the relationship didn’t work out. Keep it somewhere safe (heck, tape it to your fridge door if necessary) and give a copy to a friend. It’s so easy to look back on a failed relationship with rose colored glasses. Whenever you feel yourself slipping, pull out that letter or have a friend remind you why you broke up in the first place. Sometimes all you need is a healthy dose of reality to help speed the process of getting over someone (“John and I broke up because he is emotionally unavailable and is still in love with his ex.”)

4. Create distance.

I’m sorry, but you can’t get over someone if you’re always hanging out, going for drinks and doing couple-y things together even though you’re no longer a couple. Even if you think you might want to be friends in the future, you need to first create some time and distance to get over them. Right now you need a clean break, so give yourself as much space as you need to do your own thing without the constant reminder of the relationship at the forefront. Maybe eventually you’ll be able to hang out again as friends – or maybe not. In any case, you’ve provided yourself with the personal space to get over this person, which is never a bad thing.

5. Shift your focus from him/her to you.

Relationships may come and go but there’s one that’s always going to be constant: the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re trying to get over someone, now’s the perfect time to shift your focus away from the other person and focus on you. What do you love to do? What are you curious about? What makes you happy (besides dating)? Now’s the time to explore these questions. Take some fun classes. Learn how to belly-dance or cook Thai food. Engage with the outside world. Hang out with your favourite friends. Travel. Seek counselling if you need to heal. Although these things may start off as distractions, what you’re actually doing is building a life that makes you happy on your own terms. Happiness is contagious and eventually you’ll attract someone who has done the same.