Unless you’ve been living under a rock since the beginning of August, you’ve probably noticed that the aisles of your local CVS once reserved for enormous quantities of sunscreen, flip flops and beach-balls, have been phased out in favor of jumbo packs of mini chocolate bars and witch hats. Halloween is just around the corner and we’re here to talk about a new dating term that’s even more terrifying than a haunted house.
We’ve all heard of ghosting (the act of dumping someone by simply disappearing without a trace – like a ghost). As if ghosting wasn’t bad enough on it’s own, there’s now a new phenomenon to know: zombieing. Basically, “zombieing” happens when a dating “ghost” returns from the dead (usually with a carefully crafted, “hey, u up?” text.) If you failed to block their number when they ghosted you initially, you’re now faced with having to figure out what to do with someone who is kinda sorta but maybe not making an effort to be in your life again. Do you respond? Do you ignore them? Or do you lop off their brains with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword so they don’t bother you anymore? (Please don’t do the last one.)
When I encountered my very own zombie situation earlier this year, I didn’t know what to do either. About 6 months prior, I had met what I thought was the perfect guy. He was handsome, charming, ambitious and we had great chemistry. We dated casually, seeing each other once or twice a week, until one day he stopped returning my texts. I didn’t hear from him FOR 79 DAYS.
On the 79th day, he reached out with a “hey, how are you?” text. He wanted to hang out. He had a nice bottle of wine that he’d “love to share with me.” If this had been five months ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to have (what was likely) a hook-up with this man I was totally ga-ga for. But over the 2+ months that had passed, a lot of those warm and fuzzy feelings had been replaced by anger and frustration. So, instead I gave him a response that – if we’re being completely honest – I’m still really proud of. I told him that I was surprised to hear from him and while it would be nice to see him, I’m looking for something a bit more serious than what he’s able to offer. He never wrote back.
UNTIL 58 DAYS LATER. This time I said yes to him and that nice bottle of wine. However, when date night rolled around he was nowhere to be found. Thus, proving my point that while zombies come and go, ghosts are forever.
But these situations are tricky. There are often feelings, wine cravings and a pesky little thing called hope involved. If you’re not sure how to respond to a zombie, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Did they apologize?
If they didn’t sincerely apologize for their initial ghosting, this shows that they have no respect or understanding for your feelings. No response required.
How did you leave things and how long has it been?
Was the relationship starting to peter out and/or come to a natural end or did they literally disappear out of nowhere (like buddy boy above)? Has it been months or just a few weeks? How well did you know each other? Why are they reaching out now? These are all questions you need answered should you decide to respond. While ghosting is never cool, there’s a huge difference between ghosting someone you’ve only been speaking to online for a few weeks and literally disappearing on someone you’re actually in a relationship with.
Do they have an explanation for why they ghosted?
Did something serious happen, like a death in the family, an illness or some major personal challenges that they’re now willing to open up about? Or is their explanation vague, at best? Case and point: the guy I mentioned above said he was “in a weird place” when we were dating, but is now in a “better place.” Sir, what is this place you speak of? If someone disappeared on you, they should at least have an explanation and an apology. However, be wary of any explanation that seems too far fetched. If the show Catfish has taught us anything, it’s that people who are always getting “kidnapped” are probably hiding a few things.
What was the relationship like to begin with?
Was spending time with them fun and stress-free or did dating them make you feel on edge, like you never knew where you stood? The latter sounds familiar, be very cautious with replying. What happened before is likely going to repeat itself. If the relationship felt shaky and like they were always on the verge of ghosting you, that’s probably not going to change just because they’ve “come back from the dead.”
What do their actions say?
If you decide to give a zombie another chance, pay attention to their actions. Are they doing things differently the second time around? Or is the relationship basically one big deja-vu? Just because someone says they’re ready for a relationship with you doesn’t mean they’re prepared to do what it takes to make that a reality. At the end of the day, actions always speak louder than words.
