There’s no doubt that first dates can bring out the nerves. For many daters, one of the most nerve wracking things to consider is the issue of “what will we talk about?” However, when it comes to first date conversation are there certain topics you should avoid?

Read through any dating guide, and most likely they’ll recommend that you refrain from discussing ‘Hot Topics’ on a first date. So, what exactly qualifies as a ‘Hot Topic’? Basically anything political, social, or pop culture oriented that has polarized views. With that said, depending on the people involved and the specific topics being discussed, sometimes ‘Hot Topics’ can help open up the first date conversation.

Not sure whether you should discuss politics, religion or another potentially controversial topic on the first date? Here are a few things to consider –

1. When handled correctly, potential ‘hot topics’ can help open up the conversation –

Although there are plenty of old sayings like, “never discuss politics or religion at a dinner party” I’ve never really been one to subscribe to them. Although I would never bring up a highly controversial topic on a first date right off the bat, I don’t shy away from discussing things like personal politics or serious social issues. Why? Because these things are important to me and part of who I am. As someone who comes from a politically engaged family and lives in a government town, it’s hard not to discuss politics when you first meet someone (my friends who live and work in places like Washington, DC will back me on this!)

If you’re in a similar situation and a certain topic is important to you, don’t be afraid to integrate it into the conversation. Just make sure that you choose your topics appropriately. Try and keep things as light as possible. There’s a big difference between asking your date how they feel about a certain civic issue or “do you think the dress is white and gold or black and blue?” versus initiating a full blown discussion about abortion or capital punishment (which could likely make the other person feel really uncomfortable). Just saying. Choose your topics wisely, my friends.

2. Warm up with other conversation topics first –

I’d be pretty thrown off if someone brought up a ‘hot topic’ right away on a first date. To the guy who decided it would be a good idea to let me know that he “sympathizes with some of the views of white supremacists” before we’d even had a chance to find out what the other person does for a living – yes, I’m talking to you. Although I’d never recommend telling your date (or anyone) what that guy did, if you’re going to bring up a ‘hot topic,’ with your date, it’s always preferable if you’ve had a chance to warm up to each other first.

Start by discussing things like your interests, passions and places you’ve travelled. This will help establish a rapport. In my experience, if I feel comfortable with someone, I’ll be that much more likely to discuss more hot button topics like religion, politics and the like.

3. ‘Hot topics’ can serve as a litmus test as to whether you’re compatible –

If something is really important to you – for example, your politics or religious beliefs – bringing these things up on a first date can let you know right away if someone is a good match. For example, if the guy I mentioned above hadn’t shared his thoughts on race with me, I might have wasted my time going on several dates with him. Instead, he let me know right away exactly what I needed to know: that we weren’t a good match.

4. Be aware that you might find out too much, too soon –

Please keep in mind that there’s such a thing as “too much too soon.” First dates are tricky. Both parties are trying to size each other up and gage whether there’s compatibility despite barely knowing each other. We’re looking for signs that the other person is right for us. Because of this, it’s easy to latch on to certain pieces of information and automatically deem them “deal-breakers” when in reality, they wouldn’t be considered as such if they were revealed on the second or third date, once you’ve had a chance to get to know each other.

For example, I’d much rather find out that you’re a Chris Brown enthusiast who thinks “the dress” is white and gold, once I’ve had a chance to actually like you for all kinds of other reasons. Sometimes learning these things about someone right away is just too much, too soon. After all, that’s what second, third and fourth dates are for!