Divorce. For many of us, the word connotes failure, infidelity, broken promises and a whole boatload of ugly feelings. It’s no wonder why people who haven’t gone through the process themselves frown at the possibility of dating someone who has been divorced. It’s easy to see the word “divorced” attached to a potential love interest and think, “There must be something wrong with them! They’re probably a cheater! Or at the very least, terrible at relationships!”
However, making these kinds of grand sweeping generalizations won’t get you anywhere.
The truth is divorce is as common as marriage. According to recent data from the American Psychological Association, in Western cultures 90% of people will marry before they turn 50. However, in the United States 40-50% of these marriages will end in divorce. In other words, at any given time there’s a lot of singles out there who have been married before. If you’re looking to meet the right person, automatically disqualifying the divorced set is not only kind of silly, it doesn’t make good statistical sense.
With that said, dating someone who has been married before isn’t for everyone. Not sure whether you should date someone who’s been divorced? Here’s a few things to keep in mind when making your decision.
- Dating someone who has been divorced, opens up your options –
When you reach a certain age, it becomes nearly impossible to meet someone who doesn’t have at least one (failed) serious relationship under their belt. Whether that’s a marriage that ended in divorce or a long-term, common-law partnership that didn’t work out – we all enter into dating with our own baggage. If you log on to a Mature Dating site like OurTime.com, you’re likely to find a lot of singles who have been in other long-term relationships and are now ready to enjoy a new, exciting time in their life. As I mentioned above, if you’re not willing to date someone who has been divorced, you’re automatically eliminating a huge chunk of the dating population. Online dating is a numbers game, so why not set yourself up with the best odds possible?
- People deserve second chances –
We’ve all made mistakes. Some of us have dated people that were, in hindsight, totally wrong for us. Some of us have married these same people. The fact that someone has tried and failed at something like matrimony, doesn’t make them a bad person – it just makes them human. Although I have never been married or divorced, at one point I was in a serious, common law relationship that ended. I learned a lot from that experience and I truly believe going through that kind of heartache has helped me grow as a person. Therefore, it seems completely silly that someone would automatically discount me as a potential partner based solely on my prior relationship experience. However, because my ex partner and I never tied the knot, it’s likely I’ll never have to find out how that feels – which, is in a sense ridiculous. The only thing separating me from someone who has gone through a legal divorce is a piece of paper and a stack of costly legal bills.
Maybe I’m just a half-glass full kind of person, but I believe that until proven otherwise, most people deserve a second chance. I’ve watched many of my friends get married really young, only to get divorced once they realized that they were a bad match. Most of these people have moved on to meet, fall in love and marry new partners who are a much better fit for them. Seeing my friends truly happy and in love, has only reinforced my belief in second chances. After all, if someone hadn’t given them a second chance, they wouldn’t be where they are today.
- They have actual relationship experience –
I don’t know about you guys, but I’d much rather be with someone who has been in a relationship that failed, versus no relationship at all. Regardless of how the relationship turned out in the end, I want to date someone who knows what it’s like to commit and share their life with someone else. In other words, someone who has been through the highs and the lows of a relationship, knows how to compromise and understands that one fight doesn’t constitute a break-up. In other words, I’d rather be with someone who has weathered the storm and hopefully learned from their mistakes, than someone who has never opened themselves up to the experience of a serious relationship.
(Plus, keep in mind – if you plan to marry, the statistics are on your side when it comes to dating a divorcee. According to the National Survey of Family Growth, only 10% of second marriages end in separation due to divorce.)
However, when it comes to dating someone who has been married before, ultimately it all comes down to the individual and how they’ve processed their divorce. Although there are many reasons why dating someone who’s been divorced can be a positive experience, there are also numerous red flags to watch out for.
- It doesn’t seem like they’ve learned anything from the experience –
Have they been able to take responsibility about their role in their break-up? Do they understand what went wrong in the relationship? If they aren’t able to answer either of these questions, there’s a good chance that they haven’t yet learned from the experience. Until they are able to fully process their divorce and pull out the learning, it’s best to stay away.
- They’re still bad mouthing their ex –
Do they blame the break-up entirely on their ex? Do they call their ex names? Are they still processing a lot of anger? When it comes to any serious breakup, anger is a natural stage of the process. If someone is still really angry, they need to work through that before they start dating.
- You just don’t feel comfortable with the situation –
At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable dating someone who is divorced. If there’s something about the situation that makes you uneasy – for example, an ex that is still very much in the picture or a messy custody battle, it’s your prerogative to not date this person. Statistics be damned, it’s your life and happiness, so you need to do what is best for you!
