If you drink together – you may have a better chance of staying together.
According to a recent study published in The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Series, couples who drink alcohol together reported a less negative relationship over time, and the results were “significantly greater among wives.”
The study found that couples over the age 50 had better marriages if both partners drank or if both partners abstained from drinking. However, if only one person in the relationship remained sober while the other drank, couples were more likely to report of an unsatisfied marriage, especially wives.
As Dr. Kira Birditt of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor told Reuters, “it could be that couples that do more leisure time activities together have better marital quality.” But, she was also careful to point out, “The study shows that it’s not about how much they’re drinking, it’s about whether they drink at all.”
Given this study, if a marriage is reportedly happier if both parties share similar alcohol habits, what does this mean for dating? Should we only date partners who share a similar approach to alcohol?
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and say “yes.”
The summer after freshman year in college, I dated a guy we’ll call John. After spending the year away at school I was no stranger to drinking. I met John at a local bar in my hometown and thought he seemed like a “fun guy.” He was cute and he was spontaneous -perfect for a summer romance. But, as I would learn over the summer that we dated, John was rarely sober. He drank heavily all the time, in every social situation. The few times I did him sober, he was both gloomy, fidgety and well, not much “fun.” When I was with John, I would also drink to the point of obliteration. But, after a particularly bad night that involved far too much tequila and John literally passing out in the middle of my living room, I realized that I couldn’t keep up with him and stay healthy. I week later, I ended things for good.
John was essentially a happy go-lucky drunk. He wasn’t violent or argumentative, but often he’d become unconscious at some point during our dates (not exactly romantic). But, in my experience alcohol can make a relationship get ugly fast. As the University of Michigan’s Dr. Fred Blow told Reuters, “[S]erious heavy drinkers have disruptive relationships with people, particularly their partners” adding, that it’s an important issue that should be looked at going forward.
This is why online dating sites ask about your drinking preferences – because lifestyle choices matter. John’s heavy partying lifestyle just wasn’t “me.” You have to be on the same page about this kind of stuff or one partner is going to end up feeling isolated and resentful, which I did every time John passed out in front of me.
The truth is, I’m not opposed to alcohol. I like to have a few glasses of wine or a cocktail every now and then. When something amazing happens, I like to pop a bottle of champagne. It’s something I enjoy doing with friends. Although I don’t drink much anymore, I don’t think I’ll ever give it up completely. I like to imbibe and hope to find a partner that can do the same without losing control. This is the same reason why I don’t think I could date someone who never drinks. (Although I’d definitely choose sobriety over dating someone like John again.)
So, if you’re considering dating someone with different alcohol consumption habits than you, here are a few things to consider:
How much does alcohol play into their lifestyle?
Is alcohol part of every social interaction? Do they drink occasionally but when they do they are really passionate about making their own craft cocktails or checking out the latest IPA? What about drinking at weddings? Do they drink alone or just with friends? How do they feel about mimosas at brunch? Keep in mind that what people say they do versus what they actually do doesn’t always line up. For example, someone who “rarely drinks” may go on a complete bender every time they’re at a wedding – which, could lead to some uncomfortable situations. Before you make any knee jerk reactions, it’s important to find out what their habits really are and then evaluate how you feel about it.
Are they supportive of your habits? Are you willing to change your habits to fit theirs?
Are they supportive and encouraging of your choice even though it’s different from yours? Or do they try and guilt trip you into changing your habits? If you’re willing to change your habits to be in line with theirs – great. But, it should still come from a place of support and care, not guilt.
Does being around them feel good to you?
Lastly, regardless of what your personal take on alcohol is, does being around them feel good to you or does it feel uncomfortable? Essentially, this will be the deal breaker. You need to feel comfortable and secure with the person you’re dating. If you don’t, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
