When it comes to dating, there’s a long held rule amongst women that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, you’re automatically disqualified from being “girlfriend material.” I’m not sure who started this rule; however, I sense by how engrained it’s become amongst females that it’s likely been around since the days of cave drawings. Like other rules such as “don’t wear white after Labor Day” and “never eat pizza before bed” (one that I break freely and regularly) – this piece of dating advice is not only completely arbitrary, it’s sexist and out of date.
However, it looks as though the “no sex on the first date rule” is still holding strong. In 2013, Cosmopolitan magazine polled over 1000 women aged 18-35 and found that 83% women felt that they’d lose a man’s interest and respect if they slept with them on the first date. However, what’s really interesting is that 70 percent of men said that’s not true – if they’re interested, it doesn’t matter. Getting naked won’t affect if he calls the next day. Proof that the dating rules we’ve been living by don’t actually make a whole lot of sense.
A recent book published by dating experts Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser has set about to bust these arbitrary dating myths once and for all. Their book It’s Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked encourages women to ditch the traditional dating “rules” and instead do what feels right. In also discusses extensively why sleeping with someone on the first date actually has very little effect on whether the relationship will succeed or not. As Wilner notes, “As part of our research, my co- writer and I heard hundreds of men say the same thing again and again: Men are unfazed by first-date booty.”
Instead, there are a multitude of reasons why someone might not call you back for a first date. As Wilner explains, “Maybe he’s too picky, maybe he doesn’t feel a spark, maybe he’s commitment-phobic, or maybe he’s just a game-playing douche.” When it comes to relationships, sometimes you just aren’t a good match with someone. These are all things that you would have eventually discovered about a person, whether you slept with them right away or not.
The “don’t sleep with him on the first date” rule is based on the sexist notion that women don’t want sex as much as men, and if they admit that they do, they’ll be shamed and deemed unworthy in the eyes of men – both of which we know is not true. Women want sex just as much as guys. Sometimes that sex occurs on the first date and sometimes it doesn’t.
Here are a few ways to tell whether it’s OK to have sex on the first date –
1. You have great chemistry – I’m of the school of thought that it’s a shame to waste good chemistry. It’s pretty rare that I find someone that I am really attracted to and have great chemistry with. When that does happen, it feels a bit like hitting the jackpot on Christmas morning….and what fun would Christmas morning be if you didn’t tear the wrapping paper off of all the presents? Sometimes you just have to seize the moment.
As adults, I think we know what good chemistry feels like. If you’re both into each other and the moment feels right, why not sleep together? As author Jeff Wilser notes, “If there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry, and from the guy’s perspective, it doesn’t really matter if we hook up on date one or date seven.” In other words, sometimes you just have to Carpe the heck of out that Diem.
Sexual compatibility is important. If it turns out the chemistry you have doesn’t translate into the bedroom, at least you found now, instead of on date seven when you’re already a lot more invested in this person.
2. There’s no red flags holding you back – As author Jeff Wilser explains, “There are 357 valid reasons to wait, including: If you think the guy’s acting sketchy, if you have religious or moral reasons, if he uses the expression YOLO, if you want to ratchet up the delayed gratification, if his texts include ROFL, if he enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey, if you’re a virgin, if you have an STD.” (If you do have an STD or are a virgin, these are circumstances that would definitely warrant a earnest discussion before you get busy – something that not everyone is comfortable having right off the bat) However, if you don’t feel like there’s anything holding you back and you’re comfortable with your date, it’s totally OK to have sex.
3. You feel comfortable with the emotional ramifications of what you’re doing – If I really, really like someone (especially if I’ve been interested in them for awhile), I know myself well enough to know that this sometimes causes me to become attached to a person after I sleep with them – which, can lead to some messy feelings down the road when I discover a few dates from now that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. So, if I sense I’ll quickly become attached to someone, I’ll sometimes wait a few dates to see where (if anywhere) our relationship is going before I seal the deal. If you need an analogy, it’s like deciding not to have that last drink because you don’t want to deal with the hangover the next day.
With that said, there have been plenty of times when I’ve immediately felt comfortable with someone and have just let the moment and chemistry take us away. It all comes down to knowing yourself and your personal boundaries.
4. You both want to – If you’re two single, consenting adults who want to have sex with each other, do it. It’s as simple as that. As long as you’re both comfortable with what’s happening and are enjoying yourselves, what’s stopping you?
As dating expert and author Andrea Syrtash says, “Don’t trust the rules. Trust yourself.” Instead of accepting the arbitrary rules that we’ve been spoon fed, challenge yourself to create your own based on what makes you happy. As Syrtash explains, “Think about what works for you, what patterns you’ve engaged in and what feels right.” she says. After all, sometimes the best dating advice comes from listening to your intuition.
