Often we think that if we put other people’s needs first, they will do the same for us. Unfortunately this isn’t the case – especially when it comes to online dating. Selflessly giving all of yourself over to another person and making your whole life all about them, isn’t going to guarantee that the other person is going to return the favor – in fact, it may just end up turning them off in the process. Cue, Mariah Carey’s “Obsessed.”

If you want to have a happy and successful dating life, you need to put yourself first. Here’s why –

1. Knowing what you want, will help you get what you want.

Instead of focusing on what other people are looking for and how you can fit into that framework, ask yourself, “what do I really, really want?” You can’t expect to find what you’re looking for until you’re clear on what you specifically want out of your relationships. Take some time to focus on what your needs are. Being confident in what you want and need, will help attract the right kinds of people.

2. Less bad dates.

When you know what you want and aren’t afraid to put yourself first, you’ll stop wasting time going on bad dates with people you have nothing in common with. Less bad dates = more time for good dates (and pursuing other interests that make you awesome!)

3. It makes you more well rounded.

Think big picture. It’s not just about what you want out of your relationships – it’s about what you want out of life. If a life full of travel, outdoor adventures and quality spent with friends is what makes your heart sing – embrace that. Putting yourself first means prioritizing doing the things that you love. So, go for that hike or book that trip to Costa Rica with your best buds. Living a full life will not only make you a more well rounded person; it will also help attract like-minded people.

Also, dating can be disappointing. The side benefit to embracing your passions and having an active social life is that when things don’t go as planned, you’ll have lots to fall back on.

4. Taking time to yourself is sexy.

Healthy people are attracted to other healthy people who take time to look after themselves. If you really need to spend a night alone, watching Netflix and pampering yourself – do what you need to do. People who have clear boundaries around their time garner respect. If someone doesn’t respect your need for “me time,” you can automatically eliminate them from your dating pool, freeing up more time to date people who do respect your boundaries.

5. You set clear boundaries.

Putting yourself first in online dating means setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. You don’t owe anyone you meet online a date. If you’re not interested in someone or they make you feel uncomfortable, you’re not required to engage with them. In fact, you shouldn’t. Same goes for accepting dates from people you’re not into. It may feel like you’re going on less dates overall, but it’s all about quality over quantity.

6. You only go on dates with people that you’re legitimately excited by.

Putting yourself first means only agreeing to situations that are an enthusiastic “hell yes!” If you’d rather spend the evening alone, binge watching House of Cards than go on a date with a particular person, that’s your answer. Learning to say no to opportunities that feel just “meh,” is a surefire way to add more excitement and happiness to your online dating life.

7. You’ll become the kind of person you want to date.

It’s been said before that in order to meet the right person you need to become the kind of person you’d want to date. Would you want to date someone who doesn’t have their own life or respect for personal boundaries? No ofcourse not. When you put yourself first in online dating, it becomes so much easier to be the kind of person you want to be. By setting clear boundaries and setting aside space in your life for stuff other than dating, you’ll become that superstar, emotionally healthy/generous/ hiker/biker/pottery maker of your dreams.