Let’s be frank. Benching  (keeping a potential love interest on the “bench” aka on the hook, just incase you decide to date them later on) sucks. Ghosting, benching,  – it’s all the kind of indecisive, non-committal behavior that’s pervasive in modern dating and makes finding a mate annoyingly challenging. But, that isn’t to say that I haven’t “benched” my share of men in the past.

I’ve benched guys for a variety reasons, but mostly it comes down to one thing: I like them and I think they’re a good person, I’m just not sure whether I actually want to date them. It just seems easier to keep them on the sidelines and accept their flirtations without making a decision one way or another. I know it’s not exemplary behavior, but it’s the truth. I’m going to bet that every one of us out there have probably benched someone (intentionally or unintentionally) at some point in our dating careers.

However, I’ve also been on the other side of this equation. I know I’ve been benched before in the past by guys who just weren’t 100% sure about me and it didn’t feel good. So, I’ve decided to lead by example and make a point of being more intentional with my dating life. This giving firm “yes” or “no” answers and not benching people. Because I’d rather be dumped than benched. Here’s why:

1. I don’t want you around if you’re not sure about me.

I think I’m pretty darn awesome. I’m sure you are too. So, I don’t want people in my life who think I’m a “maybe” or “just OK” – which, is exactly how someone feels if they’ve benched me. I only want people who are an enthusiastic “hell yes!” in my life. So, if I’m not an enthusiastic “hell yes!” I’d rather that you just spare both of us a lot of trouble and make a clean break like an adult.

2. Benching me wastes my time and yours.

I strongly believe that you need to let go of things that are “good” or “alright” to make room in your life for things that are really amazing. Keeping me on the bench wastes everyone’s time and prevents both of us from fully moving forward. If I’ve learned anything it’s that life feels better when you can “close loops” – ie. when you finally answer that email that’s been sitting in your inbox too long, return that sweater that doesn’t fit or make a decision on a relationship that feels lukewarm. Although it takes more effort to be decisive about your life, the temporary discomfort is worth the long-term peace of mind.

3. Your benching texts turn me off.

I don’t want to deal with someone who sends a text every few months just to “check in” or because they’re “thinking of you.” That’s great, but where were you and who were you thinking about the rest of the time? These kinds of texts are lame and actually kind of offensive because they send the message, “hey, I don’t value you all the time.” I want to build something with someone who is interested in actually being present in my life on a consistent basis – and so should you.

3. I’d rather know exactly where I stand with someone.

I think the most torturous part of benching is that the bencher leaves the benchee in a kind of emotional limbo. Do they like me? Are they just busy? What’s this person’s deal?! Trying to decipher what’s going on with the other person is frustrating and a massive waste of time. Breaking things off for good may hurt my feelings initially, but in the end I’ll be grateful that I at least have a clear idea as to where we stand and will be able to move on much quicker because of this. Even if things aren’t that serious yet, I’d much rather receive a text that says “hey, it was really great meeting you but I’m just not feeling a romantic connection” than be stuck in a permanent state of dating purgatory.

4. I deserve better and so do you.

I deserve to be given a straight answer. If you’re not 100% into me or are dating other people and want to keep me around “just in case” – I deserve more than that. We all deserve more than wishy washy feelings and relationships. We deserve someone who puts us first. If we can’t do these things, the other person at least deserves to know. So, let’s do better. I know we can.