Does money really matter when it comes to love? Ah, the age old question.
Looking over my own dating past, I have almost exclusively dated guys with similar, if not more advantageous financial situations. When it came to dating in high school and college, money never really factored into my love life. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood and most of the people I knew came from similar middle to lower-middle class backgrounds. When I arrived at college, most of the people I spent time with and dated were in a similar boat as myself: we were all trying to pay our way through the university with the help of loans and part time jobs. Money never came up because we enjoyed the same typical college kid activities: hanging at dive bars, drinking cheap booze, cooking meals at home and splurging on a nice night out when we could. It wasn’t until I graduated and started working at my first “real job” – an inside sales position at a large, international company – that I got a taste of how much money can matter when it comes to dating.
It was at this job that I met Ray – a grad student who worked part time in our customer service department. Ray and I bonded over our mutual love of hip hop and Dave Chappelle’s comedy. It wasn’t long before Ray and I were dating on the down low. Why on the down low, you ask? Because Ray was not my usual type: he had copious amounts of unkempt hair, wore baggy torn jeans, tie dyed t-shirts and only shaved periodically. Underneath his less than polished exterior he was handsome. Most importantly though, he made me laugh all the time.
I knew that Ray was on a tight budget, however I didn’t realize how much so until we started dating. I remember going out for dinner one night and him suggesting that we “split a meal.” I have an appetite that rivals Liz Lemon’s, so I promptly insisted that I’d rather he bought a meal for himself. Why? Because the thought of us splitting a $10 bento box at Sushi King just made me feel sad inside – just like I would when he’d insist on saving the extra condiment packages whenever we went for burgers. When I went over to his house for the first time, I found all of the extra ketchup and mustard packages that he’d hoarded neatly lined up in rows on his window sill (for safe keeping?) At the time, I wanted to celebrate what little bit of post-college financial freedom I had with a nice dinner every now and then. Meanwhile my date was going all Howard Hughes-y with burger toppings. It didn’t compute. Bizarre food storage habits aside, our brief relationship came to an end for other, unrelated reasons.
Ever since Ray, I have only dated men with equal or greater finances. However, keep in mind that I work as a writer. If you make less money than me, you’re probably living in a discarded refrigerator box or at the very least developing a very interesting ketchup and mustard collection on your windowsill.
But with the precarious state of the economy these days, it’s becoming increasingly common for successful women to date men who make less money than they do. As Hanna Rosin’s infamous article in the Atlantic “The End of Men” pointed out, the economy is shifting the balance of the workforce. When the recession hit in 2008, researchers at MIT concluded that of the 7.5 million jobs that were lost, ¾ of them belonged to men. As of 2010, for the first time in US history, women constituted the majority of the workforce. Women’s earnings have steadily increased whereas, those of men have remained steady. These economic conditions have created a population rife with educated, savvy women who are more successful and financially independent than their predecessors. The fact that you might end up meeting a potential mate who isn’t your financial equal, is more of a possibility than ever before.
If you are considering dating a guy with a smaller bank account than yours, here are a few things to consider:
1) Respect – Every relationship depends on mutual respect. You both need to respect how the other person spends their days – regardless of how much money they make. Do you respect the person you’re dating and their career choices, or lack thereof? Maybe you love the fact that he’s pursuing his dreams, or maybe a career that pays less than yours rates lower in your eyes (even if you’re not ready to admit it.) It’s important that you be brutally honest with yourself. On the flip side — do you feel like he respects what you do and the time required for it? Does he seem to be threatened by your career and paycheck? To make this work you’re going to need to answer these questions and have the courage to walk away if needed.
2) Communicate – It’s important that you talk about financial and lifestyle issues before you get too serious. If you’re in your early thirties and want to be married with kids by a certain age, you need to discuss this fairly early on to make sure you’re both on the same page. Maybe he has plans to grow in his career in the next few years. For example, he’s ventured into a new career or launched a startup that hasn’t really taken off yet – or maybe not. Maybe he’s happy playing in a band and living in his mother’s basement. These are things you need to know. On the other hand, if you’re thinking, “Wow, he’d make a great stay at home dad,” you might want to talk it over with him first. Don’t assume anything!
3) Be flexible – Understand that the person you’re dating may lead a slightly different lifestyle than you do. If you’re the kind of woman who loves to be wined and dined on a regular basis, why not try switching it up half of the time? Invite him over to your place for a romantic meal and wine. This way you’re not always strapping him with the financial burden of going out, without having to go dutch. However, if the thought of scaling back on the lifestyle you enjoy makes you cringe a tiny bit inside, you might want to reconsider whether this relationship is really for you and get out before someone gets hurt.
