Last summer I was dating this guy I really liked. He was smart, funny and cute.  We spent a few really fun weeks together before he went on vacation with his family and completely disappeared off of the face of the earth, as if we’d never been dating in the first place. I later learned that there was a term for this: ghosting.

Unfortunately ghosting has become a reality of modern dating. When my friends get together and share our dating experiences it seems like the “hey, I’m just going to go MIA” approach to ending a relationship is the norm. It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually thoroughly impressed when someone takes the time to break up with me in the good old fashioned way: by actually breaking up with me.

However, just because ghosting has become a “thing” doesn’t mean that you have to let it ruin your love life. When the person you’re dating suddenly drops off, it’s sure to be frustrating and hurtful, however it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Here’s how to keep your cool when the person you’re dating ghosts on you –

1. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s not about you –

When rejection happens – no matter how passive it is (ie. ghosting) our first impulse is to always blame ourselves. What did I do? Why are they rejecting me? What’s wrong with me?! I’m here to let you in on a little secret: it’s not about you.

Ghosting on someone is passive aggressive, cowardly and just well, totally lame. However, if someone chooses to act this way towards you, that’s on them. In my experience, when I reject someone it usually doesn’t have much to do with them as a person (after all, I’ve rejected lots of guys who were great people), but rather something intangible that lead me to conclude that they just weren’t the right person for me. Although ghosting isn’t a great way to go about breaking things off with someone, it happens and when it does you need to remember not to blame yourself.

2. Keep in mind that ghosting is about fear –

Having a conversation where you know you’re probably going to hurt the other person’s feelings can be really scary. No one wants to be the bad guy. So, sometimes it’s just easier to do the “slow fade” than end things with someone upfront. Although this doesn’t excuse ghosting, it does provide a valid explanation for why it happens.Although I’d like to say that I’ve never ghosted on anyone and instead have always broken up with people in a way that is mature and upfront; that wouldn’t be the truth. I’m the first to admit that I have ghosted in the past. Was it my best behavior? No, but I did it anyways. Why? Because I was scared of hurting the other person’s feelings. At the time it just seemed easier and less hurtful to say nothing at all (and hope the other person got the message) than to have a potentially awkward conversation.

The lesson here: the reason behind why someone ghosts usually boils down to fear. Their fear, not yours. Remember that.

3. Choose acceptance over creating drama and always take the highroad-

If the person you’re dating has just gone AWOL on you, it’s natural to be angry. When this happens, the impulse might be to flood the person with a series of angry, sarcastic texts, saying stuff like  “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D DO THIS TO ME” or “GREAT. I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU LET ME KNOW WE’RE BREAKING UP. %$^$T&*$##R%*** YOU!” However, while you’re anger is completely valid (after all, they are acting in a manner that is immature and frustrating) and you have every right to stick up for yourself, unleashing drama or bombarding them with angry messages isn’t going to make you feel any better. I promise.

Instead, if you really feel the need to say something to them keep it short, sweet and mature. The last time someone ghosted on me I sent a message that sounded something like this: “Judging by the radio silence, it seems as though you’re not interested in dating anymore. While I totally accept this, I would have appreciated you just being honest with me.” The end result was that the guy actually wrote back and apologized for wasting my time – which, I have to admit felt pretty satisfying to hear. If I’d texted him and called him every name in the book, he likely would have been too afraid to write back. Ghosting totally sucks, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t take the high road.

4. Choose to let it go and move on –

The easiest way to keep your cool after someone ghosts on you? Make the active choice to let it go. Although it’s natural to feel let down; by ghosting on you, the other person has actually done you a favor: they’ve shown you that they aren’t mature and hence, wouldn’t have made a good partner anyways. Ghosting happens and yes, it’s hurtful. However, don’t let your anger hold you back. Life is short and the world is filled with lots of other great people who are going to be a better match for you. One of the easiest ways to get over being ghosted, is to get out there and meet some of them!