In order to make things happen for ourselves, our desires have to line up with our behavior. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve read The Secret – thinking about and wanting something isn’t enough to make it happen. You need to take action. The same applies to your dating life.

With that said, far too often we get stuck in the trap of saying we want one thing, but acting in a totally different way. For example, there have been many times in my own dating career where I’ve said I was looking for a relationship, but was basically doing everything possible to ensure I stayed single (I’m sure much to the frustration of anyone who tried to date me at the time.)

Having a happy and fulfilling dating life requires you get honest with yourself about what you really want. For example, if you say you want to find a serious relationship, but  you’re doing the following things –  you probably want to be alone.

1. Going after lost causes.

You’ve entered into so many hopeless relationships that your friends have dubbed you the Patron Saint of Lost Dating Causes. Sure, that totally hot guy/girl you met online is “great,” but they don’t have their act together. They can’t make up their mind about: how they feel about you/whether they’re ready to be in a relationship/how they feel about commitment/what they really want out life/whether they should finally get that iguana farm off the ground/how to get their life together. I don’t care how awesome their plans for that iguana farm are, this person is not in a place to be dating you or anyone right now. If you wait around for them to figure out their life, you’re going to be waiting a long time (which, if you want to be single anyway, probably suits you just fine.) But, if it’s a relationship you’re truly after, you need to make yourself available to people who are ready and able to date you right now.

2. Dating people who are clearly unavailable.

They’re married. They live across the country with no plans to move. They’re locked up. They’d be the perfect partner if only they would decide that they actually want to be in a relationship. Does any of this sound familiar? Opening yourself up and putting your heart on the line can be scary as hell. That’s why pursuing “lost causes” and people who are unavailable seems appealing. There’s so many obstacles to overcome, that you don’t have to fully commit to this person because there’s a built in reason why it might (probably) not work out. When things fall apart, you can blame the obstacles – sparing yourself the sting of rejection. It’s all very convenient. But if you really want to find love like you say you do, the first step is getting over your own fear.

3. You’re always complaining to your friends that “dating is such a bummer.”

It’s normal to have a few dating woes that you need to download onto your best buds (preferably over mimosas). However, if you’re constantly complaining to your friends about how much you hate dating, you’re bringing an enormous amount of negative energy into your life. Keep in mind that like attracts like. Putting out negative vibes will only attract other negative vibes and/or scare away good people. If you legit hate dating, maybe it’s time to take a break altogether and give your friends a much needed respite from your negativity. But, if you’re using your complaints as a way to mask how vulnerable dating makes you feel, find a way to work through that. After all, dating is kind of scary, but it can also be really fun and exciting. Try to embrace the latter.

4. You’re not looking for a partner, you’re looking for a list of qualifications.

I’m all about knowing what you want and not settling for less. But, you also need to make sure you’re being realistic about your needs. If you’re only willing to date someone who is 6’0” or taller, makes $125k a year, owns their own boat and looks like a movie star (among many other “qualifications” on your list), you might be hard pressed to find exactly what you’re looking for. Keep in mind: there’s a fine line between being picky and using an arbitrary list of characteristics to push people away.

5. You don’t “show up” for your dates.

Sure, you’re physically showing up for your dates, but are you mentally and emotionally showing up? If you feel like you’re continuously phoning it in when you’re out with someone new, it might be time to reevaluate your behavior. You can’t expect someone to engage with you if you’re not willing to be present for them. Just a thought.