Unfortunately rejection is an unavoidable byproduct of dating. We can’t like everyone and everyone can’t like us. In fact, it’s only by rejecting people and being rejected that we’re eventually able find the person we are meant to be with. However, just because rejection is part of the fabric of online dating, doesn’t mean that you have to be a jerk about it. Part of becoming a successful dater is learning how to turn people down in a classy way.
Here’s a few ways that you can take the high-road when it comes to letting someone down that you’re not interested in.
- Always be polite –
If you receive a message from someone and you know right off the bat that they aren’t your type (for example, you’re a Liberal vegetarian with a fondness for husky guys with beards and they’re a rail thin, clean shaven Republican who is a card carrying member of the NRA and lists “steak” as one of their main interests) it’s totally OK to turn them down. Although I’m a firm believer in occasionally dating outside your usual type, at the end of the day, most of us have a pretty good idea of what we’re looking for from a partner or date. You’re not obligated to give everyone who messages you a chance if you know it will be a waste of both of your time.
If someone has taken the initiative to send you a polite message expressing their interest, you should return the favor and let them down in an equally polite way. For example, send a reply thanking them for their time and add something like, “You seem really awesome, but I’m afraid you’re not my type. Best of luck!” Even if someone sends you a less than savoury message, always keep it classy. Although it may be tempting to lash out at the other person in response to an inappropriate message, there’s a fine line between sticking up for yourself and wasting your time on a lost cause. Instead, take the high road and respond with a “No thank you” or simply ignore the message. This brings me to my second point….
- Sometimes the classiest response is no response –
Although I’m sure there are people who would disagree with me, I’d rather someone just ignore my message if they are not interested. I know I’m not going to be everyone’s type. So, when I don’t hear back from someone, I don’t take it personally. I just assume the other person is trying to spare my feelings and be polite by not saying anything. I suggest you do the same. After all, sometimes the kindest response is no response.
- Be honest and be an adult –
With that said, if you’ve gone out one or more times and you know that the person isn’t a good match, it’s just bad form to disappear without a trace. If someone has invested time in hanging out with you in person, you owe them a proper explanation as to why you don’t want to see them romantically again. No one deserves to be left hanging. Ambiguity leads to hurt feelings which is the last thing you want. Be an adult and treat someone the way you’d want to be treated.
If you’ve only hung out a few times, it’s perfectly acceptable to send a polite text or message, letting the person know that you’ve enjoyed the time you’ve spent together but don’t think it’s a good match. For example, a few years ago I went on a handful of dates with a guy I met online. When it came time for date number three, he sent me a text that said, “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and think you’re great but I’m just not feeling a romantic connection.” Although it was slightly disappointing, I was really grateful that he was so mature and forthcoming with me. I wrote him back to thank him for his honesty and wish him the best.
The lesson here: even when the truth is uncomfortable, honesty is the best policy. By being honest and mature about your feelings, you’ll avoid leading someone on or leaving them hanging. When the dust settles, they’ll appreciate it. Trust me.
- Make it about you not them –
I know the break-up line “it’s not you, it’s me” is a total cliche; however, there is some truth behind it. Rejection is deeply personal and often doesn’t really have much to do with the other person. For example, I’ve turned down a lot of really wonderful, awesome guys for the sole reason that I just didn’t feel any romantic chemistry with them. It had nothing to do with who they are as people, what they looked like, or anything they did – I just didn’t feel it. Simple as that. Even if you’re rejecting someone based on any of the attributes above (for example, you hate the way they treat their dog or you can’t get over how they insist on wearing socks with sandals), keep it classy by focusing the spotlight on yourself. Instead of critiquing them, let them know that you don’t feel it’s a good fit, or why you know that you’re not the right person for them. Because at the end of day it isn’t really about them – it’s about you, looking out for your own needs.
No one likes rejection. However, if you make a conscious effort to be honest, kind and mature when turning someone down, you’ll avoid hurting someone’s feelings more than is necessary.
