Do you find that you continually end up dating people who are afraid to commit or disappoint you in other ways? Are you tired of dating jerks? You’re not alone. We’ve all been there at some point in our dating careers.

When I was younger, I found myself routinely attracted to and dating the same kind of guy. Sure, they were handsome and charismatic but they always ended up letting me down in very similar ways. It wasn’t until a few years and a lot of heartache later that I realized that the people I was dating, although seemingly different at the time, were really just variations on the same theme. In other words, I spent multiple years dating different guys who were essentially the same kind of person: someone who wasn’t right for me.

Feel like you are perpetually suffering from a case of dating deja-vu? This post is for you.

Here’s how to stop serially falling for all the wrong people –

1. Stop blaming yourself –

If you’ve asked yourself “Why do I keep falling for losers? What’s wrong with me?!” – I have an answer for you: nothing. Although it’s important to take responsibility for your contribution to the fallout of a relationship so you can reflect on and learn from the experience, it’s equally important to remember that you are not responsible for other people’s behavior. We are only responsible for ourselves. If someone chooses not to commit or behaves badly towards you- that’s on them. The only people we are responsible for are ourselves. We have the power to make different, more fulfilling dating choices. The sooner you embrace this reality, the better.

2. Take a step back to ask yourself why you were attracted to the people you’ve dated and what need they fulfilled in your life –

Now’s the perfect time to do some soul-searching to figure out the “why” behind your past dating experiences. For example, maybe you’ve always been attracted to bad boys because you crave excitement and unpredictability in your life. Perhaps you continually date unavailable, commitment-phobes because you’re actually afraid of commitment yourself.

Although the last one may sound crazy and completely counterintuitive; it’s not that farfetched. How do I know this? Because I’ve been this person in the past. I spent years dating guys who were unavailable in various ways – they were in other relationships, lived far away or just weren’t able to commit to me. Now I can see that I dated these flash in the pan types because it felt safer than opening myself up to a relationship with actual potential. Yes, these situations weren’t always very satisfying but they were predictable – after all, a relationship doesn’t have to be good to be familiar. On the other hand, a real commitment would mean that my comfy little single life would change – something that at the time, I wasn’t really ready to let go of yet.

3. Stop trying to picture what the perfect partner looks like and instead focus on how you want to feel when you’re in a relationship –

To start off, most of us want to feel safe, respected and loved when we’re with the person we’re dating. Too often we get overly caught up in the who, how, where and when of meeting someone. We focus on superficial qualities and we forget to pay attention to how dating someone actually feels in our heart and gut. For example, although all of those unavailable, bad boys I used to date felt fun and exciting at the time, being with them didn’t always feel good in my heart. Instead, I often felt insecure and anxious.

So my suggestion is this: stop only focusing on what you think is “your type” – physically and personality wise and instead, open up your options. Date some people who are your usual type but also try dating some people you might not have approached otherwise. When you’re with these people be objective and ask yourself, “Do I feel safe and respected?” If the answer is no, give yourself permission to walk away.

4. Take charge-

Now that you know exactly what you want, it’s time to put this into action. Remember – you’re the CEO of your own life. You have the power to hire, promote and eliminate people from your life. Think about it: if you’re running a company, would you keep someone around who either wasn’t a good match for the position, couldn’t be depended on or was bad for company morale? No, of course not. Apply the same principle to your dating life and be ruthless. If it walks like a jerk, talks like a jerk and acts like a jerk, you’re dealing with a jerk. Don’t be afraid to immediately cut people loose when they show their true colours.