The age old question: how to do you go from being friends to something more? We’ve all been in the situation when we’ve had feelings for someone who is our friend. Lots of happy couples started off as friends, however how did they get from point A to point B?
In a perfect world, the solution to this quandary would be naturally embedded in our DNA (and I’d have free 24hr access to the Whole Foods salad bar.) However, since we can’t always immediately get what we want, here are a few tips to help you take your current relationship from friends to something more.
1. Acknowledge that you may already be in the “friend zone.” – Ah yes, the dreaded friend zone. We’ve all landed ourselves in it at one point or another in our romantic careers. If you find yourself always going out of your way to please the object of your affection in hopes that they’ll develop feelings for you, but are getting little in return (aside from a “thanks so much. You’re a real pal!” pat on the back) it’s very possible that you’ve been friend zoned. It’s a very slippery slope into the friend zone. If you’re a good hearted person, it’s totally natural to want to do nice things for your love interest. It just sucks when the feelings and actions aren’t returned in your favor.
The first step to getting out of the friend zone and into the “sexy potential love interest zone” is to take stock of and acknowledge what’s really going on. It’s time to be brutally honest with yourself. Do you do a lot of things for your friend? Do they do a lot of nice things for you? Do you come running faster than they can say “I have a MALM bedroom set that I need help putting together” whenever they need something? Most importantly, are you getting what you want from the relationship? Most likely, if you could answer “yes” to the last question, you wouldn’t be reading this article. It’s time to move on to the next step: getting out of the friend zone for good.
2. Make your exodus from friend-zone – As Jeremy Nicholson from Psychology Today points out, all relationships are based on give-and-take agreements. “When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn’t even. The other person is getting everything he/she wants…but the person stuck in the friend zone isn’t. In a nutshell, the friend zone person sold himself or herself short. They gave their “friend” everything, without making sure they got everything they wanted in return” he says. Nicholson says that in order to get out of the “zone” you need to attempt to renegotiate the current exchange structure so that you’re not always giving and not getting much in return. In other words, you need to try and balance the scales.
3. Be less available – The adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has some truth to it. As Nicholson says, when you’re in the friend zone “The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being “needy” is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what they want.” So, in other words, now is the perfect time to create some healthy space between you and your friend. We often desire what isn’t readily available. By spending some time apart and making it clear that you aren’t at their beck and call, your friend will notice this subtle loss and therefore be more willing to meet your needs in return.
4. Nurture your social life and other interests – Want to make yourself more attractive to your friend (and other people in general)? Don’t forget to live your own life. Instead of narrowing your focus on the object of your affection, make sure that you spend time with other friends of all genders and that you nurture your own passions. Most importantly, don’t forget to casually mention what you’ve been up to in conversation with your friend. You don’t have to brag or exaggerate – afterall, it’s not like your life is a non-stop Lil’ Wayne video (and if it is, that’s a whole other problem) – but sharing with someone all the cool stuff you’ve been up to (symphony in the park or beach volleyball anyone?) makes you come across as confident, sociable and excited about life, which is way more interesting and attractive than someone telling you “I’m just sitting at home. What do you need?”
5. Let them do things for you – As Nicholson explains, “Ask your friend to do things for you. Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when THEY do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them. This is called the Ben Franklin Effect.” By getting your friend to invest in the relationship, it will show them that you need them too. People, by nature like to be needed. The more they invest, the more the relationship will mean to them.
6. Flirt – Yes, you. You’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t at least try and flirt with your friend. Compliment them. Tell you really like their outfit or that they look nice – or even better yet, tell them what you love about their personality (“I love that you always see the humour in things.”) Just make sure you don’t go overboard. You still want to keep an air of unavailability so you don’t come off as desperate. Plus, being constantly showered in compliments can get a bit, well, creepy. Pay attention to how they respond to your flirting. This is a good way to gage whether they’re also interested in you.
7. Be Bold – The saying “fortune favours the bold” exists for a reason. The easiest way to find out whether your friend wants to take things to the next level is to talk to them about it. Yes, this will be scary and sure, you may have held off from doing this in the past because you “don’t want to risk losing the friendship;” however, with no risk comes no gain. Asking for what you want shows that you’re confident and that you’re in touch with your own desires – both of which are really sexy.
8. Accept – So, you’ve put it all on the line and your friend just wants to stay friends. So, what do you do now? First of all, you need to congratulate yourself for putting yourself out there. That takes guts. Secondly, you need to accept the state of your relationship – whether you’re happy about it or not. The truth is, you can do all the right things but you can’t make someone feel something that just isn’t there. There are lots of people that I think are exceptionally good-looking human beings with awesome personalities, but that doesn’t mean I want to date them -which, is why we’re friends. At the end of the day, it all comes down to that magical and mysterious ingredient: chemistry. Most likely, your friend thinks you are a great person or else they wouldn’t have you in their life, however if the chemical attraction isn’t there, there’s nothing you can do about it. In other words, it’s out of your control. The best you can do is accept the situation for what it is and take comfort in the fact that at the end of the day you still have a really great friend.
