When I first started online dating about fours years ago, it had been a year since I’d ended a 6-year long relationship. I was finally ready to start dating again – or at the very least, meeting new people. I went on a handful of dates that weren’t terrible and met some nice people. But, it wasn’t until I met a special someone that I felt any kind of butterflies. We hit it off right away and went on a handful of really great dates. We seemed to have great chemistry, but then things started to fizzle when they became “really busy with work.” Because they kept making sporadic plans with me, I held on to the hope that we’d “get back on track.” But, it never really happened. When they failed to show up for our last date, I realized that maybe Dave had been trying to give me the “fade out” for weeks – I just didn’t realize it at the time.

This just goes to show that sometimes we want a relationship to happen so bad, that we’re willing to fool ourselves into thinking it’s the real deal – even when it’s so not.

In criminal investigations, there’s something called “confirmation bias.” Basically this means that the investigator only pays attention to “good evidence” that supports their theory of the crime and throws out anything else that doesn’t fit within their hypothesis. While it’s human nature to try and eliminate confusion, confirmation bias can, in the worse case scenario, lead police to target the wrong suspect. The same applies to relationships. I desperately wanted to believe that Dave was interested in having a relationship, that I ignored a lot of “bad evidence” that maybe he just wasn’t that into me.

Sound familiar? Here’s some signs that you might be leading yourself on –

1. You’re the one putting in all the effort.

If I paid attention, I might have noticed that after those first 2 or 3 initial dates, it was always me asking Dave to make plans. He’d never ask me out on his own. At the time I thought, “oh, he’s just shy” (not true) or “he’s just really busy” (aren’t we all?) but, if someone is really into dating you, they’ll want to make plans. Dating is a two-way street. It shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort or like you have to constantly chase the other person down to make plans.

2. You only hear what you want to hear.

Dave was always saying things like “I’m so busy that I typically don’t have time to date or have a relationship” or “I tend to have a hard time committing to people” but because he was hanging out with me, I just figured I was the exception to the rule. Looking back, Dave was just biding his time and I was only hearing what I wanted to hear. This is why it’s so important to really listen to what people are really saying and evaluate these statements independently from how you feel about them. People will tell you what they’re all about, it’s up to you to tune in and pay attention.

3. You assume your relationship status.

For example, that you’re exclusive or that you’re even “officially dating.” When I was getting to know Dave, I asked him if he was dating anyone else and he said “no.” I never brought it up again, assuming that we must be boyfriend/girlfriend. But, really I was just assuming our exclusivity. The fact that I felt anxious throughout our “relationship” was a sign that I really didn’t know where I stood with Dave. If you don’t want to lead yourself on, don’t assume anything.

4. You ignore major warning signs.

When I was hanging out with Dave, he’d always flirt with our waitresses whenever we went out together. Several times I caught him winking at them after he gave her our order. It kind of made my skin crawl, but I swept his behavior under the rug, choosing to ignore these red flags and instead, focus on his good qualities. If I’d been more honest with myself when it came to his behavior, I would have seen right away that he wasn’t the right guy for me.

5. You overemphasize their good qualities.

Let’s face it – as far as dates go, Dave was kind of a dud. He flirted with waitresses and stood me up. But, that didn’t stop me from completing blowing out of proportion the few nice things he did do while we were hanging out. For example, when he held open doors or texted me just to say good-morning. I took his behavior as a sign that he was into me, when really he was just showing a bare minimum level of politeness and consideration – stuff normal humans should do, regardless of whether they’re dating you.