Dating is nerve-racking enough as it is, without throwing in the new and exciting possibility of dating someone of the same sex for the first time. Maybe this is something you’ve been thinking about for a long time – or maybe not. Either way, it’s natural to be a bit nervous. After all, this is uncharted territory for you.
The truth is there are no hard and set rules for same sex dating. Although it’s changing, gay and lesbian singles have few role models to emulate when it comes to love, romance and dating etiquette. There’s no template to follow and most of us haven’t been taught how to flirt with the same sex. While the lack of rules for same sex can definitely be a positive thing when it comes to creativity, spontaneity and individuality – it can also cause a lot of anxiety.
With that said, here are some tips that will help you keep your cool and get the most out of your first same sex date.
1. Set realistic expectations – In order to ace your first same sex date, go into it with realistic expectations. Keep in mind that while this is the first person of the same sex that you’re going out with, it likely won’t be the last. If you’ve dated before, you know it all comes down to a lot of trial and error. In other words, you’re not going to marry everyone you date and this date in particular isn’t going to make or break your romantic future with the same sex.
Instead, look at this date as an opportunity to meet a new friend. This will definitely help take the edge off and allow you to relax without focusing on the outcome of the date. Instead of placing too many hopes and expectations on your meeting; let it evolve naturally. If the sparks fly when you’re together – even better!
2. Remember, this is only a date (keep calm!) – Stop inhaling in and out of that paper bag and breathe normally, my friend. Yes, the person you’re going out with is the same sex as you are, but they are just a person. Yes, another human being just like yourself! The best advice anyone can give you in regards to your first same sex dating experience, is to treat it like any other date. Just because you’re dating someone of the same sex, doesn’t mean your A-dating game has to drastically change. In other words, treat them as you would any other date and be your usual punctual, polite, attentive and charming self.
If you’re particularly nervous, take some time to do some relaxation exercises before the date. Whether this means doing some deep breathing, yoga stretches or dancing around your bedroom in your underwear while you stare at the “Keep Calm, Carry On” poster hung above your bed – just do whatever you need to do to feel calm and like yourself.
3. Make it a short meeting that doesn’t involve dinner or a movie – If you’re hoping to keep the awkwardness to a minimum, avoid activities that involve having food in your mouth or staring silently at a screen. Instead pick a date activity like coffee or a drink, where conversation will be able to flow with ease and where you’ll be able to make much needed eye-contact.
4. Be yourself – It sounds simple, but it needs to be said again and again. Just because you’re out with someone of the same sex doesn’t mean that you have to act a certain way. Although stereotypes perpetuated by Hollywood may lead many people to think otherwise, there’s no “one way” to be gay or lesbian. This date isn’t meant to be a performance. Instead, it’s meant to be a chance for you and your date to actually get to know each other. FYI, if they’re going on a date with you, it’s because they like you as you are. Be yourself!
5. Avoid labels – If you’re new to same sex dating, you’ve most likely done some research and brushed up on your knowledge of LGBT labels – and there are many. No matter how comfortable you feel you are with these labels, be aware that your date might not be. As author David Toussaint explains, “Gay men love to label everyone, but they despise being labeled. So whether your date is a Bear, Twink, Twunk, Cub, Daddy, Dilf, Otter, Chub, Gym Rat, Gym Bunny, or any of the other zillion names we give one another, only address your date in generic terms” like handsome, beautiful and gorgeous. If they happen to refer to themselves as a particular label during the conversation, rather than tread on dangerous ground, brush it off playfully.
6. Don’t treat your date like they’re your “experiment” – A friend shared with me recently that it’s not uncommon for her to meet (and fall for) women who are making a quick “layover” in Lesbianism, only to return to the “straight life” when they’ve fulfilled the fantasy of being with another woman. As she explained, “I’m tired of feeling like someone’s experiment.”
Although you’re most likely very excited to be on your first same sex date, it’s important to show your date the respect they deserve. Instead of rambling on about how “It’s so cool that I’m going out with someone of the same sex!” focus on your date. Compliment them on how gorgeous they look and how you love that they can quote scenes from Wayne’s World verbatim – not that you think it’s cool they’re a guy/girl. Always keep in mind the person sitting at the table across from you is a person, not an experience to be had. The last thing you want is for your date to feel like they’re a novelty under a petri dish.
7. Who pays for the check? – Ah yes, the age-old question. Wasn’t it great when back in the day, the man just paid for everything? Of course, that totally wouldn’t work for two women or men. To get an answer, I turned to Steven Petrow, author of the LGBT lifestyle website Gay and Lesbian Manners. As Petrow explains, the rule is “You invite, you pay.” This is especially the case if you’ve chosen the restaurant, as well as making the invitation….Of course, it’s good manners to offer to pay for yourself or contribute toward the tip, even when you know you’re the guest. And it’s wise to be prepared to pay your own way, because you never know. By the way, if your date does pay for you, remember that you’re under no obligation to go out again, or to become horizontal.”
