No matter how many first dates I go on, I don’t think I’ll ever reach a point where I don’t feel at least a tiny bit awkward. Because let’s face it – first dates are awkward. You’re meeting someone for the first time. At best, they’re pretty cool and you’ve shared a few Seinfeld jokes with over text. At worst, they look nothing like their photo and insist on ordering a glass of milk at a cocktail bar while staring at your beer the entire time (#truestory).
First dates are all about first impressions. While I don’t think anyone has ever outright lied to me on a first date, there have definitely been times when I got the sense that my date was massaging the truth to make themselves come across better. I mean, it makes sense. Rejection sucks, so obviously you’re going to try and put your best foot forward – even if it means being purposely vague. However, sometimes I catch myself trying to decode what my date really means when he says he’s “staying with friends” and “in between gigs right now.”
(Translation: homeless and recently fired from a restaurant after getting caught attempting to deep fry his socks.)
Luckily, Twitter is here to the rescue! With the hashtag #DecodeFirstDateSentences, Twitter users have been decoding some of the most common lines you’ll hear on a first date and the results are kind of hilariously accurate.
Here are a few of my favorites. Let me know if they sound familiar:
1. “What do you do again?” = I’m mixing you up with three different people.
#DecodeFirstDateSentences “What do you do again?” = “I’m mixing you up with three other people and I don’t remember which one you are”
— Candice (@Dice_Dice_Baby_) July 27, 2017
Oh yes. This one. I’ve definitely used this line before. In the era of mobile apps and smartphones where you can be simultaneously texting with four different people while standing in the line-up at Starbucks, details can get a bit…muddled. If this happens once, cut them some slack, if it happens again and again, you might be dealing with someone who has way too many people on their dating roster. Next!
(Sidebar: I used to have a hairdresser that I swear, used to take notes on cue cards after each of our appointments because she remembered everything about my life – even if we hadn’t seen each other in six months. I might have to adopt her methods.)
2. “This was great. I hope we can do it again” = You will never see me again.
“This was great and I hope we can do it again” = You will never see me again
#DecodeFirstDateSentences pic.twitter.com/TAnfGl32Fe— Crystal (@SeamonkeyzRule) July 26, 2017
This sounds like a line Chandler Bing would use after a horrible date. In general, I think most people want to avoid confrontation and overtly hurting someone’s feelings, so they say this because, while misleading, it seems polite. However, unless someone is specific about when they’d like to see you again, there’s a good chance they don’t.
3. “I’m talking too much about myself. Tell me about you.” = Please let me keep talking about myself.
“I’m talking too much about myself. Tell me about you.” = “Please let me keep talking about myself.”#DecodeFirstDateSentences pic.twitter.com/ya2yTxwWZ2
— coachcollins (@coachcollins951) July 26, 2017
Also, please say something. Anything. There’s nothing quite as awkward as being on a first date with a stranger who barely says a word. Cue: awkward rambling on my end that includes stories about my cat.
4. “Hey, yeah, so, I usually like to take things really slow.” = You don’t look anything like your picture.
“Hey, yeah, so, I usually like to take things really slow.” = “You don’t look anything like your picture.”#DecodeFirstDateSentences
— Will Presti (@WillPresti) July 26, 2017
This could also translate to: I’m not sexually attracted to you and we will probably never hook up. But maybe after a few beers I kind of sort of could be up for it? I don’t know. You should probably move on to someone else.
5. “I have a roommate. She’s super cool.” = He lives with his mom.
I have a roommate. She’s super cool.
He lives with his mom.#DecodeFirstDateSentences
— Miss Guided (@melynn2378) July 27, 2017
If you live with your family, just own it. It’s better to put it out there on the first date and let the other person decide if it’s a deal breaker. The truth is going to reveal itself anyway when your date comes over and discovers your “roommate’s” dentures in the bathroom next to a framed Anne Geddes print.
At the end of the day, we’ve all got flaws, but we’re trying our best here. Remember to cut your date some slack while also being aware of potential red flags – and if your date says he’s “experimenting with a bunch of new living situations” (crashing on a different friend’s couch depending on the day of the week) – run.
