We all reach the point in our dating careers where after we’ve weathered disappointment after disappointment and seen the full spectrum of dating: from fiery connections and comfortable “friend vibes” to weirdos that we could never be compatible with in a million years. We’ve experienced it all. We tell our friends “I just want to meet someone I click with. Someone nice.”
After all, while passion is great, it isn’t without it’s challenges. (You had off the charts chemistry with that dude you dated last spring, however he also had a tendency to get drunk and throw up in your car. Lesson learned.)
In other words, we start to question whether we should date someone we’re compatible with or who ignites our inner passion. Compatibility vs. Passion: which one is better?!
I’m here to let you in on a little secret:
It all depends on what you need out of your relationships.
Everyone is different. What makes one person happy isn’t going to satisfy other. For example, some people value companionate love over strong sexual chemistry. Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. It’s the kind of love that you find in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present, but where there is still a deep affection and commitment that remain.
For many people, this is what they search for above and beyond everything else. They want that intimate, emotional connection right from the get go and physical chemistry and passion aren’t as crucial to them. It’s more important that they are mentally and emotionally compatible with their partner and share similar values, goals and lifestyles.
However, if you’re the kind of person that does value a passionate connection with their partner, a relationship that is based solely on companionate love can start to feel…well, kind of boring.
Tell me if this sounds familiar: you meet someone online, go out on a date and click instantly. It turns out you share the same interests, values, lifestyle and a love for 30 Rock reruns. They’re smart, good-looking and have a great job. They are literally perfect on paper and your friends tell you things like, “I wish I could meet someone like that!” But, despite the fact that you feel incredibly comfortable with this person and they are clearly an outstanding human, there’s something missing. It’s that crazy, can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you because I love the way your hair smells physical chemistry. It’s the kind of feeling that once you’ve experienced it, you never forget it.
I get that passion fades over time. However, if passion is something you require, it at least needs to be there at the beginning if the relationship is going to have a fighting chance.
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum you have people who prioritize passionate love where there’s an intense romantic and physical attraction above all else. They make not see eye to eye on politics, values, lifestyle or…anything really, but their physical attraction is what keeps them together. With that said, I’ve learned from experience that the downside of a relationship that depends that much on passion is that other things have the tendency to go out the window: like compatibility.
Neither of these options are “right” or “wrong.” It all comes down to how you’re built as a person.
Personally, I’ve been in those “perfect on paper” relationships and know that I absolutely need fiery passion in my relationships to be completely happy and fulfilled. This isn’t as important to everyone, but it’s very important to me. I’m also aware that relationships can’t function on passion alone. I’ve also been in relationships that were over-the-top passionate when it came to our physical connection but completely dysfunctional in all other areas. My end conclusion: I need passion in my relationships but there also needs to be a level of compatibility that allows us to actually function as a couple. In other words, we need to share basic values, interests and lifestyle.
So, this is what I propose:
Don’t choose.
When it comes to passion and compatibility, it’s not an either/or situation. You can have both.
Like I mentioned above, we all need different things from our relationships. When you decide to only focus on one or the other, when really need both, you essentially settle.
Sit down with yourself and figure out what you want out of your relationships. If you need a combination of passion and compatibility in your relationships, go after both. Find a balance between the two that works for you – and enjoy it.
