Unless you’ve both been living in separate, isolated caves for the past 20+ years and have never dated anyone else, the people you meet online are going to have dated and likely, been in relationships with other people before you. There’s no way around it (unless, you know, that cave thing applies.)

As adults, we all have pasts. Maybe the person you’re dating had a wild and colorful dating past (one that is way more prolific than yours) or perhaps they were married and now have a child from that previous union. Either way, if you’re going to be with someone it’s your responsibility to get over their pasts or make the conscious decision to move on. Being retroactively jealous of someone’s past that you have no control over is not only a waste of time, it’s one of the easiest ways to self-sabotage a relationships.

With that said, people’s dating pasts don’t matter….until they do. Sometimes, the dating choices people have made in the past can be indicative of larger chasms, such as a difference in worldview and/or values.

Not sure whether you should let it go or move on? Here’s a few things to keep in mind when it comes to the pasts of the people you date.

1. The fact that they’re opening up to you about their past says a lot.

When it comes to other people’s dating choices or relationship mistakes, it’s so easy for us to judge. However, if the person you’re dating is taking the opportunity to come clean and share their mistakes, it says that they’re willing to make themselves vulnerable in order for you to get to know them better. Remember that, before you fly off the handle. They are being honest with you. This is a good thing. Use this opportunity to share your feelings about what they’re telling you, without irrationally blaming them for things they did before you met. It might be uncomfortable to hear about someone’s dating past, but keep in mind that these are things that happened before they knew you.

2. Is their dating past still affecting their present?

This is a big one. We all make mistakes in our interpersonal relationships, but it’s how we deal with these mistakes in our present that really matters. Has the person you’re dating owned up to their mistakes and dealt with them in a mature, self-reflective manner? If someone has learned from their past experiences and let go of their anger, this means that they have moved on from their past – and so should you.

However, if the person you’re dating is still angry at his or her exes, talks about them in negative terms (for example, all of their exes are “crazy” “jerks” or “total bitches”) or is still embroiled in “drama” stemming from past relationships, this is a sign that they haven’t dealt with their dating past in a healthy way and that you should move on to someone who has. You can’t be expected to get over their past, if they haven’t.

3. Is their dating past something that could put you in danger in the present?

Is your partner a serial cheater? Do they have a history of lying and breaking trust? Have they consistently demonstrated reckless and dangerous behavior? Do they pose a risk to your sexual health? While the person you’re dating may say that they’ve learned from their mistakes, if you are able to answer “yes” to all (or even some) of these questions, it’s best to pause and take a moment to evaluate whether this is really a good relationship for you. While we all have made mistakes, in order for trust to develop, the person you’re dating also needs to be able to show that they’re capable of making good choices in their current life. If this isn’t the case, it’s probably a good idea to walk away.

4. It’s how they treat you now that really matters.

If everything else about the person works for you, that’s what’s really important. However, if you find yourself focusing on their dating past because they’re not treating you how you think you should be treated, that could be the real issue here.

5. What is it about their past really bothers you?

Is it that they dated a lot more people than you did and you’re just feeling insecure? Or is it that they treated their past partners really badly and you’re worried you may hold different values? Do they have children from a previous relationship that you’re not prepared to deal with? Regardless of what their dating past may entail, you are entitled to feel however to feel. Keep in mind though, that this is your issue. Only you can decide whether you feel comfortable enough to trust someone. If you don’t feel good about being with them, give yourself permission to move on.