Wouldn’t it be amazing if every date was awesome? Of course. Unfortunately though, dating by nature involves kissing a few frogs.
With that said, it’s important to keep in mind that your time, safety and mental well-being are precious. Just because online dating is a process of elimination, shouldn’t mean that you have to sit through dates that are uncomfortable or downright scary.
There are so many times I wish I’d had the foresight to just politely excuse myself from dates that had gone completely south (like that time I ended up going out for drinks with a man who turned out to be a Holocaust denier. #truestory). However, walking away is easier said than done. As North Americans, we’re raised in a culture that values manners and likability over forthrightness. I never really noticed this until my friends, who had grown up in Germany, pointed out North Americans “were overly polite and smiled so much it was almost creepy.” Consequently, none of my German girlfriends are afraid to be bluntly honest – about anything.
While I still think it’s rude to leave in the middle of a date, there are some circumstances where it’s totally and completely OK – manners be damned. So don’t feel bad to leave if any of the following happens.
- They’re disrespectful.
Maybe they show up late and don’t apologize, use their thumb as a knife while eating, or they sulk in silence the entire time and, when they do open their mouths, they make a super offensive remark about the waitress’ butt. Whatever it is, you’re not required to show someone good manners and respect if they aren’t willing to do the same. #Bye.
- They keep making the conversation all about sex.
Shudder. Whether they keep making sexual innuendo about everything (that “3rd base” joke they made during your discussion of the world series is not cute), are overly focused on your appearance and how “sexy you look,” or they suggest you go home with them even though you just met – if you’re not here for any of this, #bye.
- They’re bigoted.
They make comments that are racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic or just straight up hateful. If their views and opinions make your skin crawl: #bye.
- They’re rude to the waitstaff.
There’s a special place in hell for people who treat those in the service industry badly. Being rude to someone who is trying to help them shows they have a lack of empathy. If this person makes ridiculous demands from the server, makes fun of them (also #truestory) or is just rude to the point that it makes you uncomfortable, it’s time to say #bye.
- They touch you inappropriately.
From grabbing your knee (or worse under the table) to clasping your hand like you’re long lost lovers (reminder: you just met), if their touch is unwelcome and it freaks you out, it’s time to say #bye. Immediately.
- They tell you they’re already in a relationship.
Surprise! If this person is already in a relationship with someone else, they can’t be in a relationship with you, too. If you’d known this ahead of time, you wouldn’t have shown up in the first place.
- They’re really intoxicated.
There’s nothing wrong with having a drink or two to relax your nerves, but if it seems like your date is more interested in doing Jager-bombs than having an actual conversation with you or their alcohol consumption is making you uncomfortable, it’s OK to bounce.
- They criticize you.
They read a book about “negging” and think that subtly insulting you is going to make you more attracted to them. Wrong! If someone criticizes your appearance, interests, weight (“If you lost a few pounds, you’d be a really hot plus-sized model”) or says anything else that leaves a really bad taste in your mouth, #bye.
- Your gut is telling you to leave.
You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something feels off. Whatever it is, you’re getting major creepy vibes. If you feel uncomfortable with this person, you don’t need to justify it. Trust your gut. Make an excuse and get out of there.
Never compromise your standards, well-being, or moral compass. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at any point, never hesitate to leave. Don’t feel guilty or bad about it and know that you’re better off.
