I met M. at a party hosted by a mutual friend a few years ago. He had this cheeky grin that I found irresistible, and he laughed at all of my jokes.

You could tell right away that we had chemistry. When he asked for my number and suggested we hang out sometime soon, I just figured this is totally in the bag. But, that was two years ago and we’ve still yet to go on that first date.

Every few months M. would send me a message inquiring about how I was doing and about “potentially” setting up a date. We’d make some kind of tentative plans, but then they’d never materialize because he’d either cancel at the last minute or something else would come up. After these failed plans, he’d go dark and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks or months. I was disappointed the first one or two times this happened, but eventually I just got used to the idea that while M. was around, nothing would ever happen between us.

Just when I’d get close to forgetting about M. altogether, he’d send a message that said, “Hey gorgeous, what’s going on?” The first few times this happened, I was flattered, but eventually his sporadic texts just became annoying. It was clear that while M. wasn’t technically a bad guy, he had other things going on and I was definitely not a priority. I blocked his number and have yet to regret my decision.

At the time I found my Houdini-like love interest’s behavior confounding.

However, thanks to an article in New York Magazine, I now have a word for what he was doing: He was “benching” me – dangling just enough of an emotional carrot to keep me on his roster, in case he ever wanted to bring me into active play.

While “benching” may sound similar to another new, popular dating lexicon, “ghosting,” the two are actually quite different. Whereas with ghosting, the ghoster literally disappears into thin air; when you “bench” someone, you keep them on the back-burner, simmering just in case. Maybe you’re not in a place to date anyone right now but want to keep your options open or you’re not really into the other person but you

hope they get the message and move on without you saying anything – whatever the story, benching seems like an easy way to avoid confrontation.

But as author Jason Chen wrote in New York Magazine, “Benching, while superficially polite, is far more insidious than simply ghosting or — if you’re old-school — offering an icy brush-off.”  When the person you’re dating suddenly goes radio silent and stops returning your messages, you have no other choice than to accept this reality and move on. Sure, ghosting is passive aggressive, but the message is pretty clear: whatever this was is over. Unfortunately, though, benching doesn’t afford the same kind of closure. Unless you take drastic measures and block the other person so that you’re no longer complicit in their behavior; when you’ve been benched, you’re in a permanent state of limbo – unable to fully get over the other person and move on because they’re still there (I blame those darn “hey gorgeous!” texts.)

Conor, a 28-year old law student told New York Magazine that he feels the propensity to “bench” is a male thing, saying “women, for the most part, still subscribe to the traditional dating idea that if the guy doesn’t reach out, it won’t happen. I can’t remember many instances where I’ve been benched by a girl, but it’s been pretty easy to bench them.” But, I have to disagree. As much as I complain about benching, I have benched many men in the past. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve done it too. Most of us have.

In the past, keeping in touch with a love interest required actually calling them or seeing them in person and having a conversation. If you weren’t sure about someone, you were way less likely to make the effort. But, with our smartphones in our palms, it takes almost zero effort to text someone; therefore keeping someone “on the bench” just in case.

While this kind of behavior seems innocuous, it actually isn’t fair to anyone involved. Being in a relationship is a choice. The openendedness of having a handful of people on the bench not only means that you’re leading them on, you’re also allowing yourself to avoid making any kind of decisions in your dating life – which isn’t good either. So, if you’re not 100% sure about someone, have the courage to let them go.

At the same time, benching is a two way street. Benching happens because we allow it to. Often people bench other people out of fear because they’re not sure how the other person feels or how to communicate their own feelings. So, if you feel like you’ve been benched – speak up. Let the other person know your feelings. Ask for what you want. If they know how you feel and they’re still content to keep you on the sidelines, that’s all the closure you need.