After a series of really disappointing dating situations in my teens and early twenties, I gradually built a wall around my heart. I told myself that I was still being vulnerable with the people I dated, but that vulnerability only went so deep. Even when I met the right person, there was part of my heart that I kept tucked away in the name of self-preservation. It took years (and a lot of therapy) for me to finally undo this bad habit and really get real with myself and my ex-partner.

Now that I’m on the other side of this experience, this much I know is true: making yourself vulnerable in a relationship can sometimes feel incredibly uncomfortable, but it’s so very necessary if you want to give the relationship a fighting chance. Here’s why –

1. If you want to find love, you need to let people in.

Creating walls around yourself and your heart seems like a good way to protect yourself from getting hurt, but the truth is love and relationships require a certain level of vulnerability. To truly love and be loved you need to actually get to know the other person and allow them to do the same. This means letting them in on the vulnerable parts of yourself that you might hide away – your quirks, quarks & everything that makes you unique. It may feel really uncomfortable opening up to someone else in this way, but it’s worth it. You want to find someone who loves and accepts all of you. The only way you can get there is by making yourself vulnerable.

2. Being vulnerable makes you brave, not weak.

One of the reasons a lot of people shy away from making themselves vulnerable is because they equate vulnerability with weakness. However, the two couldn’t be more different. Being vulnerable means saying, “hey, this is who I am and how I feel.” It’s all about putting yourself out there.  That’s brave as hell. You’re not going to meet anyone and/or fall in love by sitting on the sidelines of life. So, be vulnerable. Be brave. Pat yourself on the back. You’ve got this.

3. You can’t control whether you’re going to get hurt.

The scariest part about dating and love is that you’re literally putting your heart in someone else’s hands. While there are certain precautions you can take to safeguard it – for example, listening to your gut instinct when it says a certain situation or person might be bad news – you really have no control over other people’s actions. However, you do have control over your own. Give the relationship a fighting chance by opening yourself up to the other person.

4. Love requires risk.

As the 90’s one hit wonder by the New Radicals goes, “you get what you give.” This is definitely the case when it comes to love and dating. If you want someone to open up to you, you need to open up to them. While you’re also opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection, nothing worthwhile comes without a little bit of risk.

5. Do you want a superficial connection or do you want a real one?

It’s possible to be completely un-vulnerable and still meet people. Heck, maybe you’ll even go on some really fun dates. But, if you never give any of your self away, the connections you make are always going to be superficial. If you want a real connection, you need to dig deeper and risk showing the other person who you really are.

6. You’ll be happy you did.

They say we only regret the things we don’t do. I think this is definitely true to an extent. When you make yourself vulnerable, it means you took the necessary steps to put yourself out there and give the relationship a fighting chance. Even if things don’t work out in the long run, at least you can say you gave it a shot. Also, when you do finally start to open up to people you’ll notice that your relationships start to feel really different. One day you’ll look back and be so grateful that you decided to open yourself up to love.