Has someone recently accused you of playing hard to get? You’re not alone.

I used to be the kind of person who was ridiculously accommodating with everyone I dated. Meet up for a drink at 11:30 pm with 15 minutes notice? Sure! Saying yes to a date, even though I already have plans with someone else (cue: massive re-arranging of social life)? Yeah sure! Go on a Kayaking trip, even though you’ve never been in a kayak (nor ever want to) because the person who’s asking is cute? Bring it on!

While I told myself I was #livingmybestlife, in truth, it was exhausting. By catering to everyone else’s needs, I ignored my own, which often were as simple as, “I need a quiet night alone at home with my cat.”

I’ve since started to be a lot more stringent with my own personal boundaries. I keep the plans I have with friends, I only say yes to dates when it’s an enthusiastic, massive two thumbs up “yes!” and I take better care of myself. Consequently, I feel like I have way more control over my dating life. I also feel more present with the people I date when I decide to interact and hang out with them.

The thing is, you should want to date someone who sets appropriate boundaries in their dating life. It means they respect themselves and have their stuff together.

However, the irony is that by setting personal boundaries in my love life, I’ve become that girl who “plays hard to get.” It makes sense – playing hard to get and having boundaries sometimes appear eerily similar. At first glance, it’s easy to mistake someone who is simply looking after themselves for a game player.

Not sure whether the person you’re dating is playing games or setting boundaries? Here are a few things to consider.

When they say they’re busy, it means they’re actually busy.

As someone who has a lot of personal boundaries, when I say I’m busy, it means I’m actually busy. I’ve been down the route of cancelling plans in order to hang out with a romantic interest and it always leaves me feeling like a jerk. I don’t want to be the kind of person who sells out their friends just to go out with someone I’ve met on the internet. My friends and the activities I do on a weekly basis make me happy, so I’m going to honor that. Sometimes, though, I just need a night at home to rest and look after myself. So, I’d rather tell you I’m busy than make plans to meet up, knowing I won’t be my best self.

How to tell the difference from game playing: if I’m busy during the time you suggest, I’ll usually suggest an alternate time. Remember: I still want to hang out, but it needs to be at a time that feels good for both of us.

They’re not a tease, they just don’t want to sext with someone they’re not in a relationship with.

You know what I’m over? Sexting and sending sexy photos to someone I’m not even in a relationship with (or haven’t even met yet!) Although I’ve definitely done this in the past (no judgments here,) as I get more secure in my own boundaries, it just feels like too much, too soon. I get that you’re “a visual person,” but I don’t know you. Not really. That doesn’t make me a prude or a tease, it just makes me someone who actually wants to get to know you before taking things to the next level. Consider it a compliment.

They tell the truth when they’re not interested.

A key sign that someone is playing games? They string you along, breadcrumbing you with just enough interest, but never making any plans. I’ve done this in the past when I wasn’t super interested in someone, but didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Now that I have more boundaries, I will tell someone the truth when I’m not interested and it feels so liberating. If someone is clear with you that they’re not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, they’re not playing to hard to get, they’re just being honest. Take them at their word.

They’re not actually playing hard to get.

Somewhere in the history of dating advice, someone put forth the idea that you need to “play hard to get” in order to gain the interest of another person. While there’s definitely something to be said about not making yourself overly available, by playing hard to get, you’re really just missing out. Aside from setting appropriate personal boundaries, one of the best things you can do for your dating life is to give yourself permission to say yes when you want to say yes. If someone seems legitimately excited to hang out, chances are they aren’t playing games, they’re just into you!