Just when you thought you were completely fluent in the ever-changing vocabulary of dating buzzwords, there’s a new one to add to the list: Cushioning – or keeping in touch with a host of romantic prospects even though you’re in a relationship.
Urban dictionary defines Cushioning as: “a dating technique where, along with your main piece, you also have several ‘cushions,’ other people you’ll chat and flirt with to cushion the potential blow of your main breakup and not leave you alone.”
From bread-crumbing (giving someone just enough attention to keep their hope of a relationship alive) and ghosting (foregoing an actual break-up in favor of just disappearing on the person you’re dating – like a ghost) to benching (keeping a potential love interest on “the bench” while you date someone else) and stealthing (removing a condom mid hook-up without telling your partner – shudder), cushioning is yet another addition to the growing plethora of trendy dating terms that are basically code for being a jerk to the people you date.
After all, at first glance, the act of cushioning – keeping other people flirtatiously on the hook while you pursue a relationship with someone else – sounds a lot like emotional cheating. But, is cushioning all bad?
There are definitely some clear advantages of having a romantic back-up plan even while you’re dating or in a relationship with someone.
You have options if/when you break up.
Let’s face it – breakups are a major bummer. They can leave us feeling defeated and lonely. If you have some “cushions” in place, you’re less likely to feel alone when you’re going through your split. Instead, you have a host of people you can flirt with and maybe even start dating when you’re ready to get back on that horse. In turn, it prevents your break-up from turning into the be-all-end-all-life-ending-catastrophe that breakups can sometimes feel like.
Some people like having a B-Team.
As you’ve probably heard a million times before: you shouldn’t put all of your eggs in one basket. If you’ve just started dating someone, having a some “cushion” between you and that new relationship can be beneficial and can prevent you from obsessing over one person (therefore, shooting yourself in the foot.) As one woman told The Tab, “When I really like a guy, I find a ‘B team’ guy to keep on the side to channel my crazy,” she said. “I go on dates with him before I go out with A-team, literally as a practice round.”
It can be a nice ego-boost.
As much as we like to ignore this fact, flirting is a part of human nature. Many experts even believe that a little bit of outside flirting can be healthy for a relationship because it reminds us that we’re charming and sexy creatures – feelings we can then transfer back into our own relationships. Even if you never plan on pursuing a relationship with any of your cushions, the fact that someone is willing to flirt with you is a nice reminder that you’re desirable and that whoever you’re dating isn’t the only game in town.
As another woman told The Tab, “Even now that we’ve [been] officially (and happily, might I add) dating for over a year, I’m definitely guilty of keeping the occasional guy around who so blatantly flirts with me and would hop in at the chance—half because I don’t mind the attention, but mainly because if things didn’t work out, I’m glad I know I would have a floating device when the ship goes down.”
But here’s the thing about cushioning: it has the potential to go bad really quickly, leading to hurt and disappointment for everyone involved.
It’s dangerously close to emotional cheating.
In fact, it’s unclear exactly where cushioning ends and emotional cheating begins. If you’re still casually dating, there’s something to be said about keeping your options open so you can meet as many different kinds of people as possible before settling down. However, there’s something decidedly icky about keeping in touch with romantic prospects once you’re in a committed relationship. Just think of how you’d feel if you found out the person you were dating was also still flirting with Bob, Ryan and Sharla, “just in case.” It feels gross and wrong, right?
If you need to flirt with other people to feel good about yourself, that’s a problem.
Real talk: flirting feels pretty fantastic. If you’re in a happy relationship, sometimes it’s just nice to know that other people find you desirable (even if you never plan on acting on that desire). But, if you’re continually seeking out other romantic prospects and opportunities to flirt, you might want to check in with yourself, look within and do some soul-searching. This might involve pressing pause on dating to figure out why you crave this kind external validation in the first place.
You’re splitting your attention.
Relationships are a lot like gardens. If you want them to flourish, you need to give them some TLC. The time you spend flirting and keeping up with these other prospects is time and care you could be putting into your actual relationship. How are you going to know if it’s the right relationship for you if you don’t go all in? After all, it’s unrealistic to think you’re going to get 100% out of your relationships if you always have one foot out the door.
