Many of us are dating for a reason: because we’re looking for that one special person. While there’s nothing wrong with having the end goal of a serious, long-term relationship (hey, if that’s what you want – own it!), going into online dating with the objective of finding someone to “complete you” is dangerous.
As Akirah Robinson, author of the book Respected: How One Word Can Change More Than Just Your Love Life writes, when it comes to marriage and commitment, “a loving partner will certainly add to your life, but shouldn’t be responsible for completing it. Regardless of your stance on soul mates, viewing yourself as lacking or deficient because of your relationship status is a very unhealthy way to live. Give yourself permission to believe you are whole right this second, whether you’re married or single.”
I know. I know. “You complete me” sounds romantic. But, while it worked as a line in Jerry Maguire, it doesn’t translate well to real life. Here’s why you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship to complete you –
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You need to be complete on your own first.
You know the saying, “you need to love yourself before you can love someone else?” It applies here. No one else can complete you, so waiting around for someone else to fill a void in your life is not only futile, it’s irresponsible. Your future partner isn’t responsible for your happiness – you are.
You know what will complete you? Building an awesome life on your terms that’s full of family, friends, meaningful experiences and whatever it is that you’re passionate about. Finding a long-term partner shouldn’t be seen as the one thing that will make your life complete, but rather the cherry on top of an already delicious sundae.
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It implies that you’re incomplete, as is.
Don’t sell yourself short. There’s a lot of societal pressure to find a partner, pair up and settle down. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your life isn’t up to par if you’re not “completed” by a serious relationship. But, what if that’s just not in the cards for you right at this moment? What if that’s not what you really want right now? Saying that you’re looking for someone to “complete you” implies that you’re somehow incomplete as a person. And you’re so not. You’re more than enough on your own.
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It just isn’t realistic.
Expecting another person to “complete you” places wildly unrealistic expectations on the relationship. People aren’t these perfectly formed puzzle pieces that fit seamlessly into our lives. We’re complicated. We sometimes disappoint each other. Relying on someone to be your “other half” just isn’t fair. What if they let you down (as human beings ultimately do from time to time) and can’t make you happy enough? Then what? This is why you need to be complete on your own before you bring someone else into the equation.
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It’s still not going to make you happy.
Even if you find someone that you feel “completes you,” you’re always going to feel like something is missing – namely, that you forgot to figure out how to be happy on your own.
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You can’t complete someone else either.
Would you really want to be with someone who relies on you to be the key to their happiness? No, of course not. Holding another person up to such lofty expectations isn’t romantic, it’s codependent….and that’s not cool.
Like attracts like. When you’re looking for someone to “complete you” you’re bound to attract other people who are looking to fill a void in their lives. This doesn’t provide a basis for a healthy relationship.
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Life is unpredictable.
What if you lose the other person? No one likes to think about these things, but life is unpredictable. We can go into a relationship thinking that the person is “the one” only to have things not work out in the long run. If this does happen, the breakup is going to hurt a lot more if you think your life is “incomplete” without this person.
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Relationships aren’t as simple as finding your other half.
Life isn’t a fairytale. No matter how amazing someone is, you’re not going to meet them, fall in love and then never have to work at the relationship. That’s the dating equivalent of buying a beautiful plant, never watering it and then being surprised when it doesn’t flourish. Relationships require time and care to be really great. If you think the only requirement for a great relationship is finding the person who “completes you” you’re always going to be disappointed.
