One of the biggest mistakes I made when I first started online dating was that I mistook “not terrible” for “good.” Looking back, the first few dates I went on were not good dates, but because they weren’t a complete horror show (like the multitude of the nightmare online date stories I’d read about online) I thought, “hey, this is OK.” Now that I have some perspective and a few years of online dating under my belt, I can now say that yes, I went on a few very bad dates. The only thing that I regret about these dates is that I allowed them to go on as long as I did (and sometimes even agreed to second and third dates!)
The truth is, not every date is going to be amazing. Some are going to be just OK. Other dates are going to be certified disasters. You can’t predict how your date is going to turn out, but you can become attune to the bad date warning signs and learn to make a graceful exit.
Here are some of the telltale signs that you’re on a bad date.
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Your date goes into “bizarre personal confession mode.”
A first date a chance to get to know each other to see if it’s a good match. This involves sharing and discussing things about your respective lives: family makeup, hobbies, goals, passions, your favourite Seinfeld episode etc. Keep in mind though, that sharing is a two way street. Nothing is more awkward than being on the receiving end of someone who has decided to share all kinds of TMI details about their life and you can’t get a word in edgewise. Do you really need to know all of the intimate details of their childhood and/or divorce? Or about that time they went to a dog-fight and ended up beating up their orthodontist?
No, that’s way too much information for the first date – or any date for that matter. Your date shouldn’t feel like a one-way confessional or therapy session. If it does, it’s time to bounce.
Exit strategy: Try and change the subject. Ask them if there’s anything they would like to know about you. If the date continues down this uncomfortable path, slurp up the rest of your coffee and politely excuse yourself.
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Their restaurant etiquette is off. Way off.
There are certain basic rules of restaurant etiquette that should be followed. For example, thou shall not yell at the waitstaff, be disruptive to the other diners or use your thumb as a knife. Failure to follow these social norms can lead to a super awkward dating experience (true story.) Also, being rude to people in the service industry automatically qualifies you as a member of the “terrible humans club.”
Another sign that you might be on a bad date: your date invites you to a restaurant but then doesn’t order anything. Years ago, I went on a date with a guy who insisted we go for dinner together, but when it came time to order he confessed, “I’m kind of broke right now so I ate a sandwich before I came here.” I spent the rest of the date feeling guilty as my date sipped his glass of ice tea while hungrily eyeing up my chow mein (both of which I paid for.)
Exit strategy: Finish that chow mein and tell them, “well, this was fun” and politely excuse yourself. FYI, if your date yells at your server, no polite exit strategy is required. Get. Out. Of. There. Now.
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They spend the whole time talking about their ex.
Nothing kills the romance like someone who can’t stop talking about their ex. If your date manages to insert their ex into every story and anecdote even when it’s not adding anything to the conversation (“Oh, you went to college in San Diego? My went to a conference in Fresno once”), it’s a sign that a) they’re not over this person and b) you’re on a bad date.
Exit strategy: You can try to change the subject, but at the end of the day it sounds like this person is still very much hung up on the past. Let them finish telling you that “awesome story about that time their ex went to Fresno” and let them know that you have to wrap up the date so you can make another appointment (“My ex had an appointment for something once..”)
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They spend the entire date talking about themselves.
Going back to what I said in the first point; a great date is a two-way street that involves an exchange of information. You should never feel like you’re verbally held hostage by the other person. If you do – you’re on a bad date. I learned this when I went on a date with a guy who spent 40 minutes (I timed him) talking about Crossfit and “how much he hates his boss” without letting me get a word in. It was incredible, really. And awful.
Exit strategy: Although I sat through this dude’s epic display of self centeredness, in hindsight, if I’d just got up from the table and walked away, I doubt he would have noticed. If you find yourself in this situation, do what you have to do. There’s no room for you in this relationship, because this person is already in a demanding bromance – with themselves.
